Still fighting...but the odds are looking better and better!

Before I go into detail about the court hearing please read this:
We are so very thankful for the unfathomable amount of support we have received.  I was humbled by all the support when the children came to us but am even moreso now.  I simply cannot believe how many people were rallying for us and our children.  I have lost count of the emails, the text messages, facebook comments, cards, phone messages, and gifts...I'm once again blown away.  From Happy Valley to California to Japan to Italy to the Midwest - we are grateful...just grateful.  Once again God has shown us His provision - only in a completely different way.  I am 100% convinced that I have only made it through this past week from the support of each of you - many of whom we don't even know.
I'm also very thankful for the grace you have shown me.  Thank you for not expecting much of me lately.  I have hardly returned one of those messages, comments, cards, or calls.  Please know that each of them were listened to or read and each of them was sincerely appreciated.  Thank you for knowing that I needed them and thank you for giving them without strings attached.  You each have shown so much of Christ's love to us and our children.  Thank you will never be enough.
We are thankful for YOU.

Now for the update:
Long story short, no decision has been made...yet.  But, friends, continue.
There has been a (fortunate for us) turn of events that we didn't quite expect that now have both biological parents in a condition where they are currently unable to care for the children.  Although we truly are sad (though not probably as much as we should be just yet) for them, we are rejoicing that this is the case.  This looks really, really good for us.  As upset as we were that we did not have a court date last month as we had hoped, it was for the best (as we know it always is but don't always believe it to be so).  If the hearing was last month, this turn of events may not have occurred.  PRAISE GOD for his sovreignty.
The judge is pleased that the children are "in a pre-adoptive home, are all together, and are thriving."
Those who are familiar with court (attorney's, caseworkers, etc) do believe that the judge will make a decision soon for the following reasons:
1.  The turn of events that just occurred
2.  The very few questions she asked and little concern she showed in court about the children (she had clearly read all the information sent to her - PRAISE GOD!)
3.  The fact that she scheduled a review hearing in six months from now (we're thinking hoping it won't get to this point and that she'll make a decision before then)

It is our prayer that a decision will be made in the next eight weeks...or even sooner.  I know, I know, that sounds so long.  We're learning that it's not :)  Visits still must occur, but we've been given a little slack with those.  We're only travelling once a month and when it's convenient for us and the children's school schedule.  PRAISE GOD!
This battle is not over, friends.  I will not rest until all the papers are signed and my children legally have our last name.  Please keep praying.  We're still fighting while we keep believing.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."
"Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternal."
2 Cor. 4: 7-9, 16-18
Thank you, Erin xox

The (Business) Day Before

I didn't like today so much.  I didn't really like yesterday or the day before so much either.  Today is the day that all parties must have their paperwork complete for the court hearing on Monday.  So, the past three days were spent on the phone and on e-mail with each of the workers involved:  the caseworker from our agency, the caseworker from the children's agency, and the caseworker from Virginia.  I have no problem spending time with them giving every single detail about my kids.  I have absolutely no problem running back to our well-kept records of dates, appointments, milestones, behaviors, etc to ensure that every single detail is correct for Monday's hearing.  I want everything to be perfect for them.  I need everything to be perfect for them. 

I do have a problem thinking about it all.

So, what does a Type-A-hates-to-feel-too-much-emotion do?  She stays busy. This week I have tried to make myself extra busy by doing extra house cleaning, preparing extra meals, planning for Christmas, planning vacations, and anything else to take my mind off of Monday.  I was doing very well just resting in His peace.  I was doing very well until all these well-meaning folks need to know information.  I was doing very well until they try to prepare me for the worst.  You see, talking about it makes me think about it.  I have to sit in the reality of it.
At the last court hearing we weren't at all worried.  This was supposed to be a slam-dunk case.  We heard great positivity from everyone involved.  This time, however, it is quite different.  We hear the "let's try to stay positive" sort of comments.  I hate hearing those.  I know what they mean.  I've said them to patients and patients' families before.  You say that when you really have no bloody idea how things are going to turn out.  You say it with sensitivity and hope because you really do care, but nonetheless you just don't know.  Believe you me, I'd much rather be in my lab coat telling my patient to stay positive than be in my bath robe having someone tell that to me.
The part that I don't like the most about this week is that Jordan has been away since Sunday and won't return until Sunday.  I do quite well when he's not here...which is a heck of a lot in his current program.  The kids and I manage fine:  the house stays clean, the meals are still prepared, and everything and everyone is accounted for.  Don't get me wrong - I'd much prefer him around.  I do love that fellow and love it when he's home.  We've just learned to pray for him while he's away and seize every possible moment with him when he's home.  We eagerly count the "sleeps" until Daddy returns again and when he does...watch out - we're selfish!  He is a good man. 
Along with my Dad, Jordan is the most reasonable and level-headed man that I know.  I love the fact that he isn't overly emotional.  I love the fact that he actually thinks with his head before acting or speaking.  I love the fact that he is always grounded despite the situation.  I need that (I think most women do).  This week I miss that.  So thank you to all of you who have filled-in in his absence by allowing me to stay busy with you, by not making me talk about it, by following my lead if I did, and for all the sweet notes, emails, and cards.  I appreciate it and I know he does too.
The hearing is scheduled for 1:30 pm on Monday.  It is a block schedule, though.  This means that it could be heard at 1:30, it could be heard at 3:00.  Regardless, I have made the caseworker who will be present at the hearing promise to call me AS SOON AS she comes out of court.  There is a decent-sized chance that the entire case won't be heard on Monday and they'll have to reconvene on Tuesday. I'm okay with that. Don't worry, she'll still call me on Monday.  We are praying for a decision to be made at the conclusion of the hearing.  Good or bad, we do not want these children to remain in the purgatory-like foster system.  Pray however God leads you to pray.  There are so many different angles.  Just pray for my kids.









15 Pages of Love

The court hearing is in less than two weeks.  A heartfelt thank you goes to everyone who is praying.

There is some good news, however.  We were sent paperwork from the court giving us the opportunity to submit a report on the children's adjustment, behavior, and conditions.  These reports will be distributed to all parties involved in the hearing.  The paperwork has some very specific questions to answer about each child as well as an "open comment" section where we have the opportunity to speak freely (the poor fools, they obviously didn't know to whom they were sending these papers - haha!).

Jordan and I spent literally hours filling out these forms and commenting freely.  We tried our best to include every possible thing we could think of regarding the children.  Thankfully, my Type-A self has kept impeccable records...see, I knew that part of me would come in handy some day :)

What we ask now is that as I am about to overnight this paperwork in just a few minutes that you pray for every set of eyes that read this.  Pray that they feel the love we have for our children radiate right off the very paper on which it is printed.  Pray that their hearts are softened and open to the needs of these children - whatever they may be.  Also, please pray that a decision is made at the end of the hearing so that this does not need to be drawn out any longer.

Just so you know a little about what we are up against, I'll copy in our closing paragraph from the 15 page, single-spaced word document (whew!):

"We understand and are sympathetic to the union and reunion of families.  However, it is clear to us and to all others who have met these children that their lifestyle of inconsistency and uncertainty has been detrimental to their well-being.  These children have not had ANY consistency in their life (please refer to the list of all the homes and moves they’ve endured) and this is clearly evidenced by their behaviors and insecurities.  Since becoming a part of our family we have dedicated 100% of ourselves to these children and their emotional, physical, academic, spiritual,  and social growth.  They have thrived in a home where all their needs are regularly met, where they are permitted to explore various interests and activities, and where a schedule has been maintained.  They have been provided with multiple opportunities and experiences such as but not limited to:  family vacations to the beach, amusement parks, hiking, swimming, gymnastics, jujitsu, Sunday school, boating, picnicking, church, and play groups.  They are being taught to be a responsible citizen and an irreplaceable family member.  We enjoy “doing life” with them so they can understand the value of everyday chores and activities such as:  cooking, cleaning, shopping, lawn care, laundry, and pet care.  They are a valued member of our family and we strive to make that known to them in words and actions.  They are also valued as a child of God, of which we also equally strive to make them aware.  We dearly and deeply love these four children.  It is our daily prayer and hope that any decision made for them will ultimately be in their best interest only.  If these children are not permitted to remain with us, we implore you to ensure ALL their needs continue to be met, appointments be maintained, and consistency be at the forefront of their lifestyle."

While we wait for this hearing, Jordan and I are trying to squeeze in any extra hugs, kisses, and love that we can.  I often find myself peeking in on them at night more than I usually do, taking an extra sniff of their hair, or holding their hand just a tad bit longer...just incase.

First Day of School - aren't they gorgeous.  I know I'm biased
but these are some beautiful kids!

 Her beauty captivates me.

 My two little pretty gymnasts.

She ate nearly three full apples!

 I know, but she's so photogenic...and beautiful.

Mr. Man with his sugar fix.

The six of us after apple picking in the rain!

Sin Scale

This past weekend Jordan and I went "back home" to Happy Valley.  It was under the guise of a Marine Event which he certainly didn't have to go to but nevertheless was a great excuse to return to State College and have our first weekend together since the children came.  It felt so good to see our friends and refill our love tanks.  But, I digress.
We were fortunate to be able to worship with our church in State College that weekend to hear Pastor Dan speak, to hear the worship team rock out, and to reconnect with our church family.  We just love his delivery style and were thrilled to have to opportunity to listen to the Word.  Pastor Dan has a gentle humbleness about him but often times it is that gentleness that smacks me over the head like a 2x4.  I can tell you see where this is going - I was smacked over the head by a 2x4.  Not really, but the message really spoke to me at a time when I clearly needed it most.  Isn't funny how God orchestrates these things?!?
Ever since the legal issues have become messy and unstable I have harbored unhealthy amounts of anger within me.  I'm angry at a host of different people who are part of this process in different degrees but I'm most angry at the children's biological parents and step-parent.  I simply cannot understand how anyone could mistreat their own children.  I've spent so much time and energy being angry at these three people (and the people who are fighting on their side) that it has exhausted me.  I simply cannot understand who could give these fools people a second third chance.
Oh, wait....SMACK!  There is somebody that does.  Bummer.
Darn you, God, for pointing my own finger back at me yet again.  You see, I like to use the good 'ole "Sin Scale" when I compare people...especially when I compare them to myself.  This is very dangerous and is a sin in itself.  ("Do not judge, or you too will be judged.  For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged..."  Matthew 7: 1-2).  But really, their mistreatment of their own children and their own selves certainly can't be as bad as what I've done wrong.  I've never broken the law, I've never harmed another being.  See, I can surely use my own Sin Scale and tell that I'm better than they are.  Friends, I'm telling you this now:  You will get yourselves into big time trouble if you think this way.  Sin is sin is sin is sin.  The people who I absolutely abhor are no worse than I am...I am no better than the people I abhor. ("Everything we do wrong is sin..." 1 John 5: 17).  This is a lot to swallow.  Our legal system doesn't help this way of thinking because they have been punished quite severely for their sins while I sit comfortably in my nice house with my nice clothes and a clean (earthly) record.  It's WAY TOO EASY to fall into this way of thinking.  Trust me, I'm in the midst of it now.
What our sermon was grossly about was that God loves each and every one of us exactly the same - despite are fears, failures, and yes, even successes.  Our God is mighty to save...everyone...including my children's biological parents.  He loves them just as much as He loves me.  He desires to move in their lives and He desires to see them be healed and saved from that which cripples them.  He has a great and mighty plan to save the world...a world that includes them.  This is not easy for me.  I don't want to be okay with it.  I want them to run out of chances in Heaven just like they nearly have here on Earth.  And that is very, very wrong of me.  I should rejoice in the fact that these three people still have hope, lots of hope of being saved by their loving Father, by my loving father.  Why can't I rejoice in this?  Why can't I hope for them like I have for others like them?  It's simple - it's because their actions now directly affect me and my children.  And this, friends, is also very, very wrong.  I am called to love everyone.  Darn you, Jesus.  You have this on nearly every single page in the new testament.  Blast.
- "Bless those who persecute you [and my children]; bless and do not curse."  Romans 12: 14
- "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you [and your children]." Matthew 5:44
- "Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when they stumble, do not let your heart rejoice."  Proverbs 24: 17
      -- This isn't the new testatment but I surely think it applies
- "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink."  Romans 12: 20
- "But to you who are listening I say:  Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you [and your children]."  Luke 6: 27
I know my God is big enough to turn around my way of thinking.  He's done it before and He can surely do it again.  He is committed to helping me through this. I just need to do my part.
I know my God is big enough to save these three people.  I just need to do my part and stop being angry with them and start praying for them.  You could, too, if you feel so inclined.

Thanks again for all the love and support through the blog, facebook, phone calls, emails, and letters.  Jordan and I are still overwhelmed at the outpouring of love from so many people.  We'll continue to keep you all posted.

Time to Fight

We have a court date set for October 17, 2011 for a Review Hearing.  What does this mean, you ask?  Well, it's a not so fancy term for a lot of fancy talk.  Basically, the judge wants to know everything that has happened in the lives of the biological parents and in the lives of the children since the last time she heard the case (which, by the way, was the Termination of Parental Rights hearing on June 16/17).  Before you get your hopes up, this is not an "Ames are better than the X's" hearing - which is rather unfortunate for us (I hate to wag my critical finger, but really, these children have a pretty sweet life).  Instead it is "Can the X's care for these children" type of hearing.  This means, can they meet the needs of the children:  food, shelter, safety.  Thankfully, the judge can take into consideration all the special needs that the children have that we've uncovered over the past few months.  These are issues that aren't major issues, but issues that have been pushed to the wayside because they've been in so many homes (i.e., Brea's lactose intolerance; Brea's developmental delays; Crystal and Brea's eyes; Joseph, Brea, and Amanda's ankles; Amanda's GI issues, etc).  It makes consistency and follow-through virtually impossible when you are in a different home every couple of months.  It also takes a consistent, responsible parent to see that all the appointments and treatments are maintained.
Now comes the hard part:  Praying that God's Will be done.  Let me tell you this - I feel like I am betraying my children when I pray for this, I feel like I'm throwing them to the lions.  There is not a single fiber of my being that wants to pray this.  The only reason I'm doing it is because I know I should.  My heart isn't there yet - but thankfully my head is.  Jordan and I, along with our family and friends, have strived to give these children the life they deserve.  They are safe, they are cherished, they given opportunities, they are loved, and they know it.  I would give up everything - including my life - if one of these children needed it.  I loved these children before they ever set foot in my home...I've loved these children before I even knew who they were.  Now that they are here; however, I can't imagine my life without them.  We know where these children have come from and we know now where they are.  To our human eyes, it's a no-brainer.  Unfortunately we can't see the bigger picture.
Now please don't take the tone of this blog too negatively but it is imperative that we (we being Jordan and I) remain realistic.  I don't sit here and worry about my children being taken away from me.  It is a possibility, though, that I cannot and should not ignore.  Six months ago this wasn't an issue - six months later it is.  Who could have known.  Believe me, though, I am fighting.  I am fighting for the life of my children.  I am on the phone/email nearly every day talking to attorneys and case workers.  I keep careful logs of the children's medical and therapy appointments.  I leave no stone uncovered and no professional uninformed.  Yes, this battle is the Lord's but I sure can do my part.  My dear friend, Kate, once gave me a scripture card with two sides.  The first side has the verse:  "You will not have to fight this battle.  Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you..." 2 Chronicles 20:17.  The other verse is:  "Be strong and courageous, and do the work.  Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you..." 1 Chronicles 28:20 The past year the battle has been the Lords.  He did a fine job of orchestrating this whole process (as is His job!).  But now the time has come for Jordan and I to "do the work."  I am glad he is with us, though, because I sure don't want to do this alone.
Now comes a hard, honest truth.  I don't feel good about all this.  I don't want to say it too loudly because again I feel like I'm betraying my children.  The truth of the matter is I just don't have a good feeling.  Please pray for me.  I'm not sure if the Enemy is trying to knock down my faith and tear up my heart - which he certainly is in the business of doing - or if it's a way to prepare myself should that time come.  Pray that the Good Lord gives me whatever I need.  Maybe it's peace.  Maybe it's time to prepare.  Maybe it's more trust in Him.  Maybe it's some attribute that I have yet to discover I need.  Who knows?  He does.  He knows and He has what I need.  I just need to get ahold of it.
In the meantime, we're continuing to love on these loves.  We have certainly enjoyed the slower paced season of fall and are enjoying all that fall has to offer.

Confession

Now that the three big kids have been in school for a week I've had a little bit of time (amongst the LARGE amount of catching up from a crazy summer) to reflect on my role as the children's mother.

As I look back over the past five (yes, I know, crazy!) months I can recall times where I've handled situations with the children beautifully and times where I've felt that I've failed them.  However, what I do know is that every decision I have made regarding everything about them I have only made out of love.

Before I became a mother I must be honest with you all; I often would judge other mothers on how they handled their children.  That's no big surprise.  You know the drill "I would never let my child to do that," "Can you believe she's ignoring that behavior," "She's being extremely too tough with that child," etc.  Now, though, that I am on the other side of that fence I feel so badly for ever judging other mothers.  There have been quite a few times in the five months that we've had these children where people have questioned my rationale for how Jordan and I choose to handle the children or how we choose to parent them.  We try our best to take advice from other's who are more experienced (through parenthood themselves or through education) but the fact of the matter remains:  I am with these children all day every day.  I know what makes them tick, I know what sets them off, I know what makes them happy, and I know (most of the time) why they do the things that they do. We have a reason for every action and reaction we have.  We've tried different ways many times but we know what works best for our kids.

Don't get me wrong - we appreciate loving advice.  We're thankful for all the support.  But I'm sorry that I've ever judged another mother.  It is true when it's said "No one knows a child like his mother."  Though I've only had them a short while, I've invested much time, energy, and phone conversations with caseworkers and therapists to make sure that these kids are handled in the best way for them.

To all the moms that are out there:  Keep doing what you're doing by loving on your children the way you know best.  Keep looking to the Father for wisdom, patience, and even more love and he'll give it to you.

"I instruct you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths."  Proverbs 4:11  

*Hopefully another update will come soon.  With school starting I should get better at this again!

This battle is His

Things haven't been going as smoothly in the legal department as we were told or as we had hoped.  Please pray for our children and all involved in the decision making process.  Pray for the protection of our sweet little babies and for peace in their sweet little hearts.

I plan to update all about our summer as soon as school starts and I have a bit more time on my hands, until then, please pray for our loves.

"Do not be afraid of them; the LORD your God himself will fight for you."  Deuteronomy 3:22