Time to Fight

We have a court date set for October 17, 2011 for a Review Hearing.  What does this mean, you ask?  Well, it's a not so fancy term for a lot of fancy talk.  Basically, the judge wants to know everything that has happened in the lives of the biological parents and in the lives of the children since the last time she heard the case (which, by the way, was the Termination of Parental Rights hearing on June 16/17).  Before you get your hopes up, this is not an "Ames are better than the X's" hearing - which is rather unfortunate for us (I hate to wag my critical finger, but really, these children have a pretty sweet life).  Instead it is "Can the X's care for these children" type of hearing.  This means, can they meet the needs of the children:  food, shelter, safety.  Thankfully, the judge can take into consideration all the special needs that the children have that we've uncovered over the past few months.  These are issues that aren't major issues, but issues that have been pushed to the wayside because they've been in so many homes (i.e., Brea's lactose intolerance; Brea's developmental delays; Crystal and Brea's eyes; Joseph, Brea, and Amanda's ankles; Amanda's GI issues, etc).  It makes consistency and follow-through virtually impossible when you are in a different home every couple of months.  It also takes a consistent, responsible parent to see that all the appointments and treatments are maintained.
Now comes the hard part:  Praying that God's Will be done.  Let me tell you this - I feel like I am betraying my children when I pray for this, I feel like I'm throwing them to the lions.  There is not a single fiber of my being that wants to pray this.  The only reason I'm doing it is because I know I should.  My heart isn't there yet - but thankfully my head is.  Jordan and I, along with our family and friends, have strived to give these children the life they deserve.  They are safe, they are cherished, they given opportunities, they are loved, and they know it.  I would give up everything - including my life - if one of these children needed it.  I loved these children before they ever set foot in my home...I've loved these children before I even knew who they were.  Now that they are here; however, I can't imagine my life without them.  We know where these children have come from and we know now where they are.  To our human eyes, it's a no-brainer.  Unfortunately we can't see the bigger picture.
Now please don't take the tone of this blog too negatively but it is imperative that we (we being Jordan and I) remain realistic.  I don't sit here and worry about my children being taken away from me.  It is a possibility, though, that I cannot and should not ignore.  Six months ago this wasn't an issue - six months later it is.  Who could have known.  Believe me, though, I am fighting.  I am fighting for the life of my children.  I am on the phone/email nearly every day talking to attorneys and case workers.  I keep careful logs of the children's medical and therapy appointments.  I leave no stone uncovered and no professional uninformed.  Yes, this battle is the Lord's but I sure can do my part.  My dear friend, Kate, once gave me a scripture card with two sides.  The first side has the verse:  "You will not have to fight this battle.  Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you..." 2 Chronicles 20:17.  The other verse is:  "Be strong and courageous, and do the work.  Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you..." 1 Chronicles 28:20 The past year the battle has been the Lords.  He did a fine job of orchestrating this whole process (as is His job!).  But now the time has come for Jordan and I to "do the work."  I am glad he is with us, though, because I sure don't want to do this alone.
Now comes a hard, honest truth.  I don't feel good about all this.  I don't want to say it too loudly because again I feel like I'm betraying my children.  The truth of the matter is I just don't have a good feeling.  Please pray for me.  I'm not sure if the Enemy is trying to knock down my faith and tear up my heart - which he certainly is in the business of doing - or if it's a way to prepare myself should that time come.  Pray that the Good Lord gives me whatever I need.  Maybe it's peace.  Maybe it's time to prepare.  Maybe it's more trust in Him.  Maybe it's some attribute that I have yet to discover I need.  Who knows?  He does.  He knows and He has what I need.  I just need to get ahold of it.
In the meantime, we're continuing to love on these loves.  We have certainly enjoyed the slower paced season of fall and are enjoying all that fall has to offer.