Sin Scale

This past weekend Jordan and I went "back home" to Happy Valley.  It was under the guise of a Marine Event which he certainly didn't have to go to but nevertheless was a great excuse to return to State College and have our first weekend together since the children came.  It felt so good to see our friends and refill our love tanks.  But, I digress.
We were fortunate to be able to worship with our church in State College that weekend to hear Pastor Dan speak, to hear the worship team rock out, and to reconnect with our church family.  We just love his delivery style and were thrilled to have to opportunity to listen to the Word.  Pastor Dan has a gentle humbleness about him but often times it is that gentleness that smacks me over the head like a 2x4.  I can tell you see where this is going - I was smacked over the head by a 2x4.  Not really, but the message really spoke to me at a time when I clearly needed it most.  Isn't funny how God orchestrates these things?!?
Ever since the legal issues have become messy and unstable I have harbored unhealthy amounts of anger within me.  I'm angry at a host of different people who are part of this process in different degrees but I'm most angry at the children's biological parents and step-parent.  I simply cannot understand how anyone could mistreat their own children.  I've spent so much time and energy being angry at these three people (and the people who are fighting on their side) that it has exhausted me.  I simply cannot understand who could give these fools people a second third chance.
Oh, wait....SMACK!  There is somebody that does.  Bummer.
Darn you, God, for pointing my own finger back at me yet again.  You see, I like to use the good 'ole "Sin Scale" when I compare people...especially when I compare them to myself.  This is very dangerous and is a sin in itself.  ("Do not judge, or you too will be judged.  For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged..."  Matthew 7: 1-2).  But really, their mistreatment of their own children and their own selves certainly can't be as bad as what I've done wrong.  I've never broken the law, I've never harmed another being.  See, I can surely use my own Sin Scale and tell that I'm better than they are.  Friends, I'm telling you this now:  You will get yourselves into big time trouble if you think this way.  Sin is sin is sin is sin.  The people who I absolutely abhor are no worse than I am...I am no better than the people I abhor. ("Everything we do wrong is sin..." 1 John 5: 17).  This is a lot to swallow.  Our legal system doesn't help this way of thinking because they have been punished quite severely for their sins while I sit comfortably in my nice house with my nice clothes and a clean (earthly) record.  It's WAY TOO EASY to fall into this way of thinking.  Trust me, I'm in the midst of it now.
What our sermon was grossly about was that God loves each and every one of us exactly the same - despite are fears, failures, and yes, even successes.  Our God is mighty to save...everyone...including my children's biological parents.  He loves them just as much as He loves me.  He desires to move in their lives and He desires to see them be healed and saved from that which cripples them.  He has a great and mighty plan to save the world...a world that includes them.  This is not easy for me.  I don't want to be okay with it.  I want them to run out of chances in Heaven just like they nearly have here on Earth.  And that is very, very wrong of me.  I should rejoice in the fact that these three people still have hope, lots of hope of being saved by their loving Father, by my loving father.  Why can't I rejoice in this?  Why can't I hope for them like I have for others like them?  It's simple - it's because their actions now directly affect me and my children.  And this, friends, is also very, very wrong.  I am called to love everyone.  Darn you, Jesus.  You have this on nearly every single page in the new testament.  Blast.
- "Bless those who persecute you [and my children]; bless and do not curse."  Romans 12: 14
- "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you [and your children]." Matthew 5:44
- "Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when they stumble, do not let your heart rejoice."  Proverbs 24: 17
      -- This isn't the new testatment but I surely think it applies
- "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink."  Romans 12: 20
- "But to you who are listening I say:  Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you [and your children]."  Luke 6: 27
I know my God is big enough to turn around my way of thinking.  He's done it before and He can surely do it again.  He is committed to helping me through this. I just need to do my part.
I know my God is big enough to save these three people.  I just need to do my part and stop being angry with them and start praying for them.  You could, too, if you feel so inclined.

Thanks again for all the love and support through the blog, facebook, phone calls, emails, and letters.  Jordan and I are still overwhelmed at the outpouring of love from so many people.  We'll continue to keep you all posted.

Time to Fight

We have a court date set for October 17, 2011 for a Review Hearing.  What does this mean, you ask?  Well, it's a not so fancy term for a lot of fancy talk.  Basically, the judge wants to know everything that has happened in the lives of the biological parents and in the lives of the children since the last time she heard the case (which, by the way, was the Termination of Parental Rights hearing on June 16/17).  Before you get your hopes up, this is not an "Ames are better than the X's" hearing - which is rather unfortunate for us (I hate to wag my critical finger, but really, these children have a pretty sweet life).  Instead it is "Can the X's care for these children" type of hearing.  This means, can they meet the needs of the children:  food, shelter, safety.  Thankfully, the judge can take into consideration all the special needs that the children have that we've uncovered over the past few months.  These are issues that aren't major issues, but issues that have been pushed to the wayside because they've been in so many homes (i.e., Brea's lactose intolerance; Brea's developmental delays; Crystal and Brea's eyes; Joseph, Brea, and Amanda's ankles; Amanda's GI issues, etc).  It makes consistency and follow-through virtually impossible when you are in a different home every couple of months.  It also takes a consistent, responsible parent to see that all the appointments and treatments are maintained.
Now comes the hard part:  Praying that God's Will be done.  Let me tell you this - I feel like I am betraying my children when I pray for this, I feel like I'm throwing them to the lions.  There is not a single fiber of my being that wants to pray this.  The only reason I'm doing it is because I know I should.  My heart isn't there yet - but thankfully my head is.  Jordan and I, along with our family and friends, have strived to give these children the life they deserve.  They are safe, they are cherished, they given opportunities, they are loved, and they know it.  I would give up everything - including my life - if one of these children needed it.  I loved these children before they ever set foot in my home...I've loved these children before I even knew who they were.  Now that they are here; however, I can't imagine my life without them.  We know where these children have come from and we know now where they are.  To our human eyes, it's a no-brainer.  Unfortunately we can't see the bigger picture.
Now please don't take the tone of this blog too negatively but it is imperative that we (we being Jordan and I) remain realistic.  I don't sit here and worry about my children being taken away from me.  It is a possibility, though, that I cannot and should not ignore.  Six months ago this wasn't an issue - six months later it is.  Who could have known.  Believe me, though, I am fighting.  I am fighting for the life of my children.  I am on the phone/email nearly every day talking to attorneys and case workers.  I keep careful logs of the children's medical and therapy appointments.  I leave no stone uncovered and no professional uninformed.  Yes, this battle is the Lord's but I sure can do my part.  My dear friend, Kate, once gave me a scripture card with two sides.  The first side has the verse:  "You will not have to fight this battle.  Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you..." 2 Chronicles 20:17.  The other verse is:  "Be strong and courageous, and do the work.  Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you..." 1 Chronicles 28:20 The past year the battle has been the Lords.  He did a fine job of orchestrating this whole process (as is His job!).  But now the time has come for Jordan and I to "do the work."  I am glad he is with us, though, because I sure don't want to do this alone.
Now comes a hard, honest truth.  I don't feel good about all this.  I don't want to say it too loudly because again I feel like I'm betraying my children.  The truth of the matter is I just don't have a good feeling.  Please pray for me.  I'm not sure if the Enemy is trying to knock down my faith and tear up my heart - which he certainly is in the business of doing - or if it's a way to prepare myself should that time come.  Pray that the Good Lord gives me whatever I need.  Maybe it's peace.  Maybe it's time to prepare.  Maybe it's more trust in Him.  Maybe it's some attribute that I have yet to discover I need.  Who knows?  He does.  He knows and He has what I need.  I just need to get ahold of it.
In the meantime, we're continuing to love on these loves.  We have certainly enjoyed the slower paced season of fall and are enjoying all that fall has to offer.

Confession

Now that the three big kids have been in school for a week I've had a little bit of time (amongst the LARGE amount of catching up from a crazy summer) to reflect on my role as the children's mother.

As I look back over the past five (yes, I know, crazy!) months I can recall times where I've handled situations with the children beautifully and times where I've felt that I've failed them.  However, what I do know is that every decision I have made regarding everything about them I have only made out of love.

Before I became a mother I must be honest with you all; I often would judge other mothers on how they handled their children.  That's no big surprise.  You know the drill "I would never let my child to do that," "Can you believe she's ignoring that behavior," "She's being extremely too tough with that child," etc.  Now, though, that I am on the other side of that fence I feel so badly for ever judging other mothers.  There have been quite a few times in the five months that we've had these children where people have questioned my rationale for how Jordan and I choose to handle the children or how we choose to parent them.  We try our best to take advice from other's who are more experienced (through parenthood themselves or through education) but the fact of the matter remains:  I am with these children all day every day.  I know what makes them tick, I know what sets them off, I know what makes them happy, and I know (most of the time) why they do the things that they do. We have a reason for every action and reaction we have.  We've tried different ways many times but we know what works best for our kids.

Don't get me wrong - we appreciate loving advice.  We're thankful for all the support.  But I'm sorry that I've ever judged another mother.  It is true when it's said "No one knows a child like his mother."  Though I've only had them a short while, I've invested much time, energy, and phone conversations with caseworkers and therapists to make sure that these kids are handled in the best way for them.

To all the moms that are out there:  Keep doing what you're doing by loving on your children the way you know best.  Keep looking to the Father for wisdom, patience, and even more love and he'll give it to you.

"I instruct you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths."  Proverbs 4:11  

*Hopefully another update will come soon.  With school starting I should get better at this again!

This battle is His

Things haven't been going as smoothly in the legal department as we were told or as we had hoped.  Please pray for our children and all involved in the decision making process.  Pray for the protection of our sweet little babies and for peace in their sweet little hearts.

I plan to update all about our summer as soon as school starts and I have a bit more time on my hands, until then, please pray for our loves.

"Do not be afraid of them; the LORD your God himself will fight for you."  Deuteronomy 3:22

All Settled

Goodness, friends, it's been too long.  All I can say is:  What a journey!  These last 8 weeks (yes, our children have been here for 8 weeks already as of this weekend) have absolutely flown by in the blink of an eye.  I'm not quite sure where to start with this update but I'll do my best to re-cap.

1.  The children moved in April 16.

  **Thank you to everyone for all your love, support, dinners, donations, phone calls, emails, etc.  I have finally finished all my thank you notes and they are going in the mail tomorrow.  This is truly a small miracle in itself :)

2.  Jordan was commissioned on May 13 and we had a weekend-long bash celebrating with family and friends.

**Thank you to all who came to the different events of that weekend.  Those blasted thank you notes are next on my list (I'm now wishing I had children who could write something other than their name...haha)

3.  We moved out of our home in State College (we are sad about this - we LOVE the town, the people, the church, our neighbors, etc) on May 27.

**Thank you go all who helped move us out of the little shoe box that we called home.

4.  We stayed with  my parents for the entire next week and visited with family and friends in Harrisburg.

**Thanks Mom and Dad for allowing your house to be invaded for a week...and for footing the grocery bill for 6 extra people! (and sorry, Dad, for all the little toys your poor feet stepped on that your poor eyes couldn't see!)

5.  June 4 we moved to Quantico, VA into a spacious home on a lovely piece of land that fits the seven of us beautifully (we always include Brookie in our count!)

**Thank you to everyone for your help moving us into our  new home and helping us with dinners, unpacking, and kid-entertaining.

As of today, every box is unpacked, every closet and shelf is organized, and my house is cleaned from top to bottom.  I am looking forward to my days now.  I can slow down a bit, enjoy my kids a little more, and really start living life a bit better.  Since the day we found out we were getting the children, only 10 weeks ago, I felt like I have been packing and unpacking every day since.  I'm glad that is over and I am glad we are settled.  

So, before I post some cute pictures of my babies, I'll get to the meat.  An important court hearing was held this past Thursday and Friday that will ultimately determine our children's future.  The judge delayed making a decision at this time.  From what we understand it could take a few weeks up to a few months for us to receive this decision.  To be quite honest with you, I haven't allowed myself to be affected by this.  I am very ashamed to admit this but feel that I need to:  the thought of these children ever leaving my side, let alone my home is unbearable to me.  I  have guarded my heart (not that way God intended me to guard it in Proverbs 4:23) by putting up my defenses.  It deeply saddens me to admit that the closest I got to praying for this was "Dear God, I can't even think about this so I'm not going to pray about -just protect my babies."  You see, the more I would even begin to think about it the more my body would ache and I would sense my mood going sour.  Perhaps it's a good thing I was so busy unpacking and organizing...perhaps it wasn't.  Regardless, I do regret not staying on my knees every minute of those entire days.  But I do know that my God understands my heart and loves me inspite of my selfishness.  I was only protecting my own feelings and not doing what I should have (this is NOT an excuse!).  But I also know that my God is watching out for my babies and has great plans for them.  I'm stuck in this small story in our small life (but thankfully much bigger home) and cannot see His grand picture (as I refer back to my previous post about the art picture and say to myself "Practice what you preach, missy.")

Please know that the judge not making a decision is NOT necessarily a bad thing.  Jordan and I were just hoping for good news right away.  From what we understand it is common for judges in these types of cases to take some time to make a decision.  We should know more this week after we talk to various caseworkers.  I am glad, though, that I have a second chance to go where I need to go - on my knees.  You can bet the farm that I've learned my lesson.  Regret hurts a lot more than a sad heart.  But, enough of that.  Please just pray for us.  Pray for discernment for the judge.  Pray for the protection of my babies.  Pray for the future of my babies.  I know many of you got to meet them and I know I am biased, but they sure are a great bunch of kids.

Now, for the happy stuff:  PICTURES!

They LOVE putting coins in their animal banks...mostly because they make noise when you do!

My beautiful butterfly - She LOVES dress-up, make-up, and grown-ups!

Water Baby - Don't let her fool you with those innocent eyes!

Our son, the fish.  This child can't get enough of the outside.  He loves all sports and has a new love of swimming.

My "Great Pretender" - This child has an imagination like none other.  She is ALWAYS creating or making something.

A trip to Chocolate World

Brooke has gracefully resigned herself to being the horse, the cat, the dog, the baby, the dress-up  mannequin, etc. 

Tractor rides with Uncle Buddy - don't worry, the blade is OFF

Taking a rest on our walk (approx 20 yards from our front door)

The Ames

Practicing in Grammy's tanbark for the real sand at the beach this summer.

At Jon's Commissioning with the girls - our poor buddy had to miss this since he was at school - bummer!

Jordan's Commissioning

That is just a small glimpse of our life in the past 8 weeks.  Things sure are different.  I always was a type A personality - you all know that.  At first I tried to be what I like to call "Type A 1/2" when the kids came but that didn't work.  Both myself and my kids thrive on schedule and routine.  We have certain rituals, rules, and ways that just don't change or we get ourselves out of sorts.  In my head (a scary place at times) I tell myself this is normal.  After all, even though my kids are older, I am still a new mother and we've only had 2 months together.  Everyday I am still learning about their personalities, likes, dislikes, interests, etc.  If none of us have to worry about what is going to come next in our day or what is expected of us at certain times then we all can spend that extra energy still getting to know each other.  Little things pop up all the time that we just didn't have time to cover in only 8 very busy weeks.  For instance just tonight my  5 year old asked me "Mom, when can we cuddle?"  I said "cuddle, what do you  mean?"  She said, "You know, you hold me under the covers and just hug and read stories."  I had NO IDEA this child ever desired anything like this...or when my seven year old asked me why I don't buy him pineapples to eat...or when my three year old  told me she hates the socks that don't fold down...or when my 2 year old after 7 weeks of putting her to bed with music on at nap finally said in her little baby voice "Mommy, turn that off."  Every day since I have asked her if she wants music and she says "No music." (I still cringe at this - I can't imagine a child of mine not wanting to listen to music!)  All these little things that every good mother knows, I am still learning.  And I intend to have a lifetime to do it.

We can't thank you all enough for what you've each meant to us.  I'll never stop thanking you all for helping make this miracle happen.  

Welcome, Sweet Children

Hi there, friends.  It sure as been a while since my last post.  I had such great intentions so many times of updating sooner than now...haha, time has a whole new meaning these days.
Let me give a quick synopsis of how quick the last month has been for us.  We were notified on March 29, 2011 that we were matched with four children.  That Saturday, April 2, we met them for the first time.  The following weekend we had an overnight visit with them in Hershey, PA.  Then, the next weekend they moved in to our home.  So, if you're doing the math, we had 18 days to prepare our home for four children.  Holy Cow!  Kids need so much stuff (I'm sure all you seasoned moms out there are just snickering right now)!  I kid you not - we spent every waking hour rushing to stores, filling out paperwork, organizing, and packing.  Thank you all SO MUCH for all the support you've given to us in preparing for these children.  So many people...even people I have never met, were beyond generous (Thank you notes are coming soon, I promise!).  You were all so giving of yourselves for the sake of our precious children and we are yet again beyond humbled.  The amount of sacrifice that has been shown by all of you leaves us speechless.  We cannot wait for the day our children will be old enough to truly understand this huge love story.  The Lord saw a need to place these children with us and you all helped us receive these precious gifts into our lives.  Thank you.
So - It's April 16th and we have the children...and we've been moving non-stop ever since.  I think May is the busiest month of my life...EVER.  Not only did the children move in (along with all the time and energy they require) but we must keep up with all the paperwork and various appointments during this transition, we have Jordan's graduation, Jordan's commissioning, our Very Ames Celebration Party, and we're moving to VA.  Whew!  Our plates are full but our hearts are overflowing with joy.
So the moment you've all been waiting for:  Meet our Children:

(We're still keeping the names off for now)



They are such precious gifts.  We love learning about each of their personalities.  Our son reminds me of the boy from the Sound of Music:  he wants so badly to be independent but still craves love and attention from his parents.  He is an excellent reader, a new bike rider, a vegetable eater, and a talker!  Our oldest daughter (on the right) is my little shadow.  She loves to help do anything:  fold laundry, cook, vacuum, feed the dog.  She loves to be a part of anything that is going on around her.  She's such a tiny little one but she is brave.  Our middle daughter (on the left) is our imaginative child.  She loves to pretend just about anything.  She can have 5 minute conversations with her dolls while she is "teaching them in school."  She's strong-willed and opinionated but sweet and cuddly.  Our youngest daughter (middle) sure is our baby and she'll remind you of that by saying "I'm da baby."  She has a great vocabulary for only just turning two and understands most everything we say.  She likes to be held and LOVES her baby dolls.
It's been quite a ride we have many things to work through (legally and with adjustments) so please don't leave us out of your prayers.  We continually pray that God's grace will just cover our children and fill all the needs that we can't.
Thank you again, really.  Jordan and I will never be able to express how thankful we are for your prayers, your love, your gifts, and your time.  I promise you that we will always remember your kindness and generousity.

Hodge-Podge

What a week!  We have been going non-stop preparing for our kids.  Our home and lifestyle were not equipped to bring four children them so quickly but boy are we getting there...beds, furniture, clothes, toys, etc.  You name it, we need it...and are getting it...quickly!

This blog is a hodge-podge of updates so please bear with me:

1.  We met our children for the first time this past Saturday.  They are just as sweet as the caseworkers made them out to be.  It is so very clear to us how badly and desperately they will need positive love and attention.  Once they realized we were a source of that they were all over us.  These sweet, sweet babies are craving structure and love - which we fully intend on giving them.  We get to have an overnight with them this weekend.  It is Military Day at HersheyPark on Sunday.  We've rented a hotel in the area for Saturday - Sunday so we can take them to Chocolate World on Saturday evening and then to HersheyPark on Sunday.  The rest of the timeline is as follows:  the following weekend (April 15-17) they will be spending the entire weekend with us.  Then, they must go back just for a few days (bummer).  When we pick them up on April 21, 2011 they will be staying with us for good.  Praise God!

2.  There are some legal issues that still are mildly concerning to us.  Please pray  that this adoption will be finalized without any disruption.  Pray this every single day.  Just because our children are in our house does not mean they are fully ours until we have our court hearing and the adoption is finalized.  We prayed so hard to get them here and now we must continue praying to keep them here.  We constantly remind ourselves that "this battle is the LORD's" and that He is in total control.  He only wants the best for us and our four babies, and thus, we must place our unwavering faith and trust in Him and His power. 

3.  Humbled. Jordan and I are nearly brought to tears over the outpouring of love and support.  I know I've said this quite a few times throughout this process but each time I say it we mean it more and more deeply.  We are thankful for each and every single one of you AND each and every single gesture of kindness:  emails, phone calls, cards, notes, gifts, financial support, set-up help, advice, etc.  We have even had gifts and support from complete strangers who don't know us or our kids but have heard of their story and their fresh start to life.  We always knew people were good...but we truly had no idea how good until now.  We always knew God was faithful...but we truly had no idea how faithful until now. 

"The Rock:  His works are perfect,and the way He works is fair and just; A God you can depend upon, no exceptions, a straight-arrow God." - Deuteronomy 32:4 (The Message)

If that doesn't give you peace, what can?  We'll be in touch, friends.  Next time you hear from me hopefully all the furniture will be here, we'll have our home secured down in Quantico, and we'll be even closer to having our babies move in.

p.s.  We're not comfortable posting pictures or sharing names in cyberspace just yet.  If you'd like pictures/names, etc. just email me and I"ll get them to you:  amessj23@hotmail.com