My liver is fine but my heart is changed
This post is dedicated to Elijah's mother, one of the bravest, strongest women I have ever met.
I've gone round and round trying to figure out how to make sense of all of my feelings and all that I've learned (and am still learning) during this process. Bear with me and my ramblings. I think it will be best to sort out these feelings and lessons in list format.
1. Humbled: I made the choice to do this. I already knew that I'd be giving up a sizable chunk of my time. But, in a moment's notice I had my mom, Tina, and Rebekah OFFER to give up a sizable chunk of their time to help me. I didn't ask. They offered. Tina used precious vacation time and had to arrange childcare for her two kids, my mom left the business she owns, and Rebekah put in countless extra hours on top of what she already does here. Not only did each of them put their own lives on hold but they also made extra meals and brought gifts on top of it I know they love me and I know I'd do it for them just the same but that fact that they chose to without even stopping to think how it may affect them is such a selfless act.
Family, friends, friends of friends, and family of friends all sent meals, cards, gifts, gift cards, financial help, encouraging texts, flowers, etc. People I don't even know sent me gifts. I have been deeply touched by every single loving gesture. Special thanks to my sister, my brother, and the Chiari/White clan for not only showering me with all sorts of extra love but for paying special attention to my kids and to Elijah as well.
My church, New River Community Church of God, has faithfully sent dinner every single night since my mom left and will continue to do so until I leave to go to PA for the summer. Wow. That's a big deal. That's six weeks worth of dinners. Every night. For 9 people. That blows me away. Not only have they sent dinners, but they have sent healthy, delicious, nearly gourmet meals that have been different nearly every night. I cannot get over their generosity, their love, and their support. This has allowed me to focus on healing and on loving my children with the energy I have each day. I'm thankful to be part of such a giving body of Christ.
I am humbled. More so than I have ever been. Ever.
2. Angry: Going into this I knew God was going to use this to teach me a lesson. I mentioned that in my blog here. What I didn't realize was the size or importance of the lesson He was going to teach me. It brought out the ugly in me. That makes me angry. Who wants ugly in them? I don't. But I sure had it in there. You see, I know that God designed me for the life I live. He knew I would need to be strong, capable, competent, confident, organized, and motivated. I did my best to thank Him and to acknowledge Him for blessing me with the qualities I would need to be a mother of six and the wife of a Marine. However, somewhere along the way I must have become too proud of and/or too reliant on those qualities. Instead of thanking God daily for giving me the strength and the ability to do those things, I became seeing it as my own strength and ability. Which it is not. So, I truthfully believe this surgery was to strip me of my pride in my own abilities. I can deal with the pain. I can deal with the scar.
- I can't deal with not being in control of my life. In the hospital I was at the mercy of Tina by day and of the call bell by night. I couldn't use the bathroom without help, I couldn't shower without help, I couldn't even see to order from my menu, I couldn't get dressed...I actually needed someone else. I was never before in that position. That was a huge pill to swallow. I'm so thankful it was Tina and then Jordan doing those things...people who understand me and my faults...people who love me no matter how ugly I can be.
- I can't deal with not being in control of my house. I came home and my house was spotless. Most items were in their proper place. The laundry was clean. The yard was picked up. The linens were fresh, the pantry was stocked. The house still stood and none of it was because of me.
- I can't deal with not being in control of my children. My kids' homework was done. No one missed soccer or dance. Chores were still complete and tests were studied for and passed. My children were loved by my mom and Rebekah. I know that they missed me and longed for me to be home, but they didn't die and are no worse for the wear. Rebekah did a tremendous job keeping them in their comfortable regular routine and my mom gave them extra Grammy love and Aunt Nannie showered them with extra goodies.
The ugly truth is that while I truly am grateful for all that my Mom, Tina, Rebekah, and Jordan did for me, the children, and the house during my absence and recovery, I hated to see that life could go on without me. My own physical life could be taken care of by someone else. My house and my children still survived without my master plans and spreadsheets. Sure, things weren't quite the same, the dynamics were off, and the children started to get testy near the end, but life went on and I was left to lay and watch it. I hated realizing that. And I hated working through that. I had some ugly moments while realizing that and I'm thankful for the love I received regardless. I'm still sorting through the aftermath of this realization. I'm still sorting through all God wants me to do with what He has shown me.
3. Amazed: Knowing that you are having major surgery gives you a new appreciation for life. Living through it without any physical impairment gives you an even better appreciation. Seeing pictures of your body cut open and one of your major organs being cut in half gives you a huge appreciation for life. It really does.
Before I left for the hospital I left the children a note reminding them how much I love them, what I love about them, and how they make me strive to be a better woman, mother, and Christian every single day. I tell them this often and they know it, but as I wrote the letter I realized that I need to be telling them this every day. Every single day. Multiple times a day. I have taken too many moments for granted. My children are far too precious to me than to assume they know that I love them. I am amazed at how well they did with this whole procedure. While they had a testy period, they have stepped up to the plate and taken on much more responsibility. They have taken care of me, been understanding of my limitations, and have loved on me so much.
I am amazed at how well God orchestrated every even AND the timing of every event. From the date of the surgery, to Tina finding Elijah's mother, to Jordan's schedule, to the kids' schedule. Everything was perfect. Absolutely perfect. There is not one thing that I wish would have gone differently.
I have struggled posting this blog for a while. Still as I review what I wrote, none of the words still seem appropriate to describe the events that took place, the feelings in my heart, and the stirrings in my soul. To date, this has been the life even that has impacted me the most. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat. Hands down. Life is precious. Every life is precious.
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