I've been trying to figure out how to write this (without sounding like a sap or like an emotionless creature) and when to write it (before he leaves or after he leaves). While I still have tight reign of my emotions...which I intend to continue to do...I thought before would be a better option. Plus, I have all sorts of house projects needing attention once he's gone :)
Jordan's leaving for deployment in just a few short days. I struggle with what to write because I struggle with what I feel.
On one hand, I'm not worried in the least. I'm used to running this ship alone and I have no doubt in my ability to continue to do so. The kids and I are used to Jordan not being here often and we're used to him gone for days and weeks in the field. I have absolutely wonderful family and friends who have already showered my calendar with visits amidst our already busy schedule. The kids and I have a few trips planned to PA to break up the time over these next few months. Joseph wants to go to NY for his birthday (a running trend in our house) to tour the city and visit his Aunt Annie and Uncle Joe...without his sisters of course :) The girls have their first dance recital and at this point we're down to floor space for our guests! I also plan to paint...the entire house (caution: if you visit at the time of painting I may toss a paint brush in your hand and not feed you until your job is done!). I have shelving that I want to hang. We're switching up the kids' bedrooms to accommodate the new boys. I have to prepare for their arrival with beds, mattresses, clothes, shoes, and bikes. I'll be flying to Ethiopia with my life-saver-of-a-sister. The kids have summer camps to attend and oceans to swim. Time will fly fast. For once I am very glad of this busy season of life.
However, on the other hand while I am confident we'll be "just fine" we sure are going to miss Jordan. He is a strong, unwaivering presence for us. I know I'm terribly biased but Jordan is one of the most solid and sound men I know. He loves me well, just the way that I need loved. He understands my independent spirit and encourages it rather than squashes it. He works hard and doesn't complain. He trusts my judgement while helping me see all angles of the situation. He understands that I love my dogs like children and allows me to treat them as such (yes, I still want one more). He entertains my crazy ideas and helps me dream big. He's the father of my greatest treasures and the keeper of my heart.
I'm not a fan of tears and crying. I'm not a fan of pity-parties and the poor-me mentality. I'm truly not a fan of emotions. I prefer to "keep myself in check" and carry-on with life as usual. I find solace in my solitude and comfort in The Word. Yes, I do have moments where life gets the best of me, but I prefer to keep those myself and after a few moments dry it up and move forward. I've been treasuring the last few days of watching Jordan tuck the kids into bed, wrestle with them on the floor, chase after them in the yard, and pop them on the trampoline. I'll tuck those into my memory bank and draw on those as needed.
What do I need? Nothing, really. Well, you can send down coffee, wine, bubble bath, or a painter and I won't turn it away :)
What can you do? Pray for the children. Pray that their hearts are guarded from feelings of abandonment. Pray that I can fill their little love tanks and offer the reassuring presence they need. Pray they use this as an opportunity to grow their faith. If you feel inclined, send them love notes in the mail. They love mail and always feel special when the receive it.
I feel like a broken record but I am so grateful for our family and friends. God has richly blessed me with the most loving, caring, and giving family and friends. While part of my heart is a tiny bit sad, it is overcome with gratitude for all that I have.
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