Today is the day we received the phone call that changed our lives...
We are matched!!
We are going to be the parents of four (yes, I know, four!) beautiful children. Our son is 6, and our daughters are 4, 3, and 2. Because of some legal work that first must be done we can't yet share their names but don't worry, as soon as we can we will.
They are the most beautiful children. They have a lovely bronzed skin tone, striking jet black hair. The girls all have curly hair too, just like me! Their features are petite and tiny, their teeth are white as snow, and their smiles go from ear to ear.
We're going to meet them for the first time next week. We're not sure what date yet, the caseworkers (ours and theirs) are working on that as we speak. They could be living with us in the next 2-3 weeks if the visits work well.
As you can imagine my head is spinning off of my very neck. I'll post again later once we have some affairs in order. In the meantime, please pray that this transition goes smoothly and seamlessly. Pray especially for the sake of our children fragile hearts but also for our hearts (which are beating out of our very chests).
I'll post again soon, but now I'm most excited to repost the verse that is my theme verse for this blog:
"Every good and perfect gift is from above..." James 1:17
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
The Un-Update
I sure wish I had some news to share...good or bad. Right now, though, we don't have any. Consider this your Not-Really-An-Update-Update.
The agency/county from our first interview (the group of four) wanted to have their decision made by two Fridays ago (March 4). Some unforseen or forseen (we don't know) events have occurred that did not let them meet that deadline. They have been in contact with our caseworker and are very apologetic that a decision hasn't been made yet. They assured Jess as soon as a decision was made as to which family is matched with the kids that they would let her know. We're still waiting for some news on this one. Apparently this isn't completely uncommon with this sort of case. Things come up and can change easily. We're just waiting to find out if we're lucky enough to love on these little buggers.
The second agency/county from our second interview (the group of three) should have finished interviewing other families by this point. All we are waiting on is to hear when our next interview (Round 2) is with them. They had set a goal for the Round 2 Interview to be held in the month of March. They made it clear that this was only a goal and it could be pushed into April. Hopefully they'll soon let us know and we can keep moving forward with these loves.
We're holding up in the Ames in house. We are weary of waiting but now we're in a place of peace, a place we haven't really been in a while. Recently, as we talked through this whole process we realized how much we were not in control. Everything single thing that we thought would, could, or might happen a certain way did not. In that place of having no control we can clearly see how it did indeed all work out okay and in some places worked out even better than we thought. I never really thought I'd say this but there is real freedom in letting go of the need to control. Please hear what I am not saying: I am not saying that you shouldn't do what you can when you can. I am saying that when you do what you can when you can, leave it at that. Stop worrying. Stop double checking. Stop feeling anxious. Stop bad attitudes. Stop wondering why something didn't happen.
The agency/county from our first interview (the group of four) wanted to have their decision made by two Fridays ago (March 4). Some unforseen or forseen (we don't know) events have occurred that did not let them meet that deadline. They have been in contact with our caseworker and are very apologetic that a decision hasn't been made yet. They assured Jess as soon as a decision was made as to which family is matched with the kids that they would let her know. We're still waiting for some news on this one. Apparently this isn't completely uncommon with this sort of case. Things come up and can change easily. We're just waiting to find out if we're lucky enough to love on these little buggers.
The second agency/county from our second interview (the group of three) should have finished interviewing other families by this point. All we are waiting on is to hear when our next interview (Round 2) is with them. They had set a goal for the Round 2 Interview to be held in the month of March. They made it clear that this was only a goal and it could be pushed into April. Hopefully they'll soon let us know and we can keep moving forward with these loves.
We're holding up in the Ames in house. We are weary of waiting but now we're in a place of peace, a place we haven't really been in a while. Recently, as we talked through this whole process we realized how much we were not in control. Everything single thing that we thought would, could, or might happen a certain way did not. In that place of having no control we can clearly see how it did indeed all work out okay and in some places worked out even better than we thought. I never really thought I'd say this but there is real freedom in letting go of the need to control. Please hear what I am not saying: I am not saying that you shouldn't do what you can when you can. I am saying that when you do what you can when you can, leave it at that. Stop worrying. Stop double checking. Stop feeling anxious. Stop bad attitudes. Stop wondering why something didn't happen.
And start seeking and thanking the One who knows what he is doing all the time.
It's no secret that I like to maintain control in my life. I like to plan, I like to organize, I like to be prepared, I like things my way in my time. I truly don't believe these qualities are bad qualities. In fact, they often come in handy. When these qualities are bad and actually harmful is when I think that they are above the ways of God's perfect plan.
A week ago as I was praying for my friends a word picture was given to me that I shared with them. Picture this with me if you can: a beautiful piece of artwork. Any piece, just pick a piece. I like Monet so I think of "Water Lily Pond." If you take just one small portion of the artwork it doesn't look like much. In fact, you won't even be able to tell what it is. It may be a dark color, it may be a light color. It may have no color. It may be pretty or it may be ugly. If that's all you can see, though, you'll likely base your feelings of the work on that one tiny little section. If you have the ability to step back...waaaaaay back...and see the whole entire piece you'll clearly see how that little small portion fits perfectly into the big picture...the big beautiful picture.
After I prayed that for my friends it dawned on me: Sarah, take your own bloody advice for once. At that point it all kind of came together. I don't need to see the whole big picture. I know it's there and I know it's beautiful and that should be enough for me. And that, my friends, is how peace came to me.
I still am weary and I still would love to have my kids but now is just a bit different. It doesn't come naturally and isn't always easy to remain peaceful but it sure feels better this way (plus, I like having some sleep back!). To those of you who have helped me get here by praying, encouraging, talking, and just sticking with me through my mess of moods, consider this one great big thank you (especially to Jordan, Mom and Daddy).
My moral tonight is this: please know that if you are in a situation where you are anxious, worried, upset, etc. there is peace for you. All you have to do is ask for it. That was my problem. I didn't ask for peace, I asked for things to turn out the way I wanted them. Now that I have that straightened out my load (and my step) is just a little lighter.
"And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Interview #2
Love them...love them all!
This interview went just as well as the first but looked different in a few ways. First of all, it was MUCH smaller. In the particular county we interviewed with on Monday there are three rounds of interviews (yes, I know...three!). So, this interview had less people in it than our previous interview (that county only requires one interview to choose a family). For interview #2 and #3 more and more people are added.
To make a long 2 1/2 hour interview shorter - they liked us...they liked us enough that they decided immediately after the interview was over to advance us to "the next round." Now, we just sit and wait for them to finish interviewing the rest of the families, make their decisions on who they will advance, and notify us when the Round 2 interview will be scheduled. The good news is that if you make it into Round 3 they interview the final three families all in the same day and make their decision that very same day. At least all your waiting up until that point is rewarded with some expediency!
So, we love them...we love them all.
Though this group looks so very different from the first group we can't help but love them too. Each of these groups has such different group personalities and then within that each child has such a different personality. We would be thrilled to be chosen for either set. We've had some people ask us which group we would choose if were chosen for both (WISH!). The answer to that is we could not. There is not one single characteristic, need, personality...anything at all that would make us choose one group over the other. They are so different and each so special that there is no way to compare them. Should that happen, we'd leave it up to the expert...our caseworker.
HOWEVER
We are still praying that we don't have to choose (or have anyone choose for us). We're hoping the timing will be just right that we'll clearly know who our group is going to be. Which brings me to another point. We could walk out of these interviews without any children. Boy do we hope that isn't the case...boy do we ever.
But I continue to claim that we fully trust in God's sovereignty during this whole process, especially now that we are so close - much closer than we've ever been. But you know, as I sit and wait for "the call" or "the email" I am fighting feelings of nervousness and anxiety. I'm trying my darndest to keep them at bay and out of my head. I've been reminded (by others, by myself, by Jordan, and by the Word) that I am not fighting this battle alone. I've got the greatest warrior fighting for me and my kids...the warrior that NEVER grows weary, NEVER gets anxious, and NEVER gives up. I am confident His will will be done in this battle. I sometimes just wish I could close my eyes and let Him finish while I hibernate :)
I'm going to leave you with two verses I've been clinging to this past week; they have a very special place in my heart. These are verses that came to me at two different times at just at the right time by two people who didn't even know I needed them or why I needed them...these two women didn't even chat with each other about this. In fact, one was given to me by a woman I had never met before. Please notice how similar these two verses are...this clearly isn't a coincidence but rather a specific message meant for me in my time of need. So thank you Kate O. and Sherilyn J. for listening and responding as you were directed.
"You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you...Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out and face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you." 2 Chronicles 20: 17
"Do not be afraid of them; the LORD your God himself will fight for you." Deuteronomy 3:22
(See, that doesn't look like a coincidence, does it? Thank you Stacy S. for your post about coincidences!)
This interview went just as well as the first but looked different in a few ways. First of all, it was MUCH smaller. In the particular county we interviewed with on Monday there are three rounds of interviews (yes, I know...three!). So, this interview had less people in it than our previous interview (that county only requires one interview to choose a family). For interview #2 and #3 more and more people are added.
To make a long 2 1/2 hour interview shorter - they liked us...they liked us enough that they decided immediately after the interview was over to advance us to "the next round." Now, we just sit and wait for them to finish interviewing the rest of the families, make their decisions on who they will advance, and notify us when the Round 2 interview will be scheduled. The good news is that if you make it into Round 3 they interview the final three families all in the same day and make their decision that very same day. At least all your waiting up until that point is rewarded with some expediency!
So, we love them...we love them all.
Though this group looks so very different from the first group we can't help but love them too. Each of these groups has such different group personalities and then within that each child has such a different personality. We would be thrilled to be chosen for either set. We've had some people ask us which group we would choose if were chosen for both (WISH!). The answer to that is we could not. There is not one single characteristic, need, personality...anything at all that would make us choose one group over the other. They are so different and each so special that there is no way to compare them. Should that happen, we'd leave it up to the expert...our caseworker.
HOWEVER
We are still praying that we don't have to choose (or have anyone choose for us). We're hoping the timing will be just right that we'll clearly know who our group is going to be. Which brings me to another point. We could walk out of these interviews without any children. Boy do we hope that isn't the case...boy do we ever.
But I continue to claim that we fully trust in God's sovereignty during this whole process, especially now that we are so close - much closer than we've ever been. But you know, as I sit and wait for "the call" or "the email" I am fighting feelings of nervousness and anxiety. I'm trying my darndest to keep them at bay and out of my head. I've been reminded (by others, by myself, by Jordan, and by the Word) that I am not fighting this battle alone. I've got the greatest warrior fighting for me and my kids...the warrior that NEVER grows weary, NEVER gets anxious, and NEVER gives up. I am confident His will will be done in this battle. I sometimes just wish I could close my eyes and let Him finish while I hibernate :)
I'm going to leave you with two verses I've been clinging to this past week; they have a very special place in my heart. These are verses that came to me at two different times at just at the right time by two people who didn't even know I needed them or why I needed them...these two women didn't even chat with each other about this. In fact, one was given to me by a woman I had never met before. Please notice how similar these two verses are...this clearly isn't a coincidence but rather a specific message meant for me in my time of need. So thank you Kate O. and Sherilyn J. for listening and responding as you were directed.
"You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you...Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out and face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you." 2 Chronicles 20: 17
"Do not be afraid of them; the LORD your God himself will fight for you." Deuteronomy 3:22
(See, that doesn't look like a coincidence, does it? Thank you Stacy S. for your post about coincidences!)
Thursday, February 24, 2011
So, let's talk about interview #1.
It was in an office in a government building. The three of us (Jess, Jordan, and I) sat on one side of a conference table while about 8-10 workers that are somehow involved with the kids sat on the other side of the table. Picture a firing squad (perfect set-up for Jordan!). Though it was set-up like that it surely didn't feel like that.
Jordan and I came prepared with SO MUCH information that would be helpful to these folks. This included information about our insurance, services offered to military families, services offered in State College, different support systems we have, etc. Jess also helped us to prepare by "briefing" us the night before with many different types of questions they may ask.
It was so apparent that each of these workers loved these sweet little kids. You could tell by the way they talked about them...so sincere, so thoughtful, and so protective.
They asked such great questions that we felt we were truly able to give them an accurate representation of who we are as a couple, as individuals, and as a potential family. In turn, we were able to ask them so many questions about the kids and find out about the first few years these buggers have already had.
Jordan seems to think we impressed them. He tells me stories about them scribbling notes as I spoke on my soap box, about how they nodded their heads in agreement when we talked about the important family foundations that we would strive to build in our family, and how they raised their eyebrows when we showed them some scrapbooks of our families, friends, and fun times. Me, I never caught any of this. My mind was racing at a million miles a minute. I was too focused on the question at hand and anticipating the question that may come next. I do remember; however, that they did seem impressed when I, being the type-A personailty that I am, whipped out my excel spreadsheet of all the items that we'll need to purchase for each room of the house and the outside (they actually asked me if we thought about what we may need - haha...thankfully I didn't laugh out loud). The three of us left the room feeling great.
Whether or not we get these kids we are extremely pleased with the outcome of the interview. At the very least it was a great opportunity. At the very best we'll end up with our kids. I wish I could tell you more about them. They seem so great, so fun, so lovable and boy are they cute - so cute!
We were told today that they intend to make a decision within a week. This is good news. We really want to know one way or another so we can continue to love on these kids or so we can emotionally detach from the idea of welcoming them into our home. Of course, we'll be sure to let you know.
In the mean time we'll be preparing for interview #2 on Monday. We really hope and pray that one says "yes" and the other says "no." Our biggest fear is having to decide between groups. In fact, we may defer that to the experts (caseworkers) should that happen.
So, friends, keep praying and wishing and hoping that soon we find out we have some kids. We're trying not to get too excited but we're so close it's hard not to be.
Here's to some good news VERY soon!
It was in an office in a government building. The three of us (Jess, Jordan, and I) sat on one side of a conference table while about 8-10 workers that are somehow involved with the kids sat on the other side of the table. Picture a firing squad (perfect set-up for Jordan!). Though it was set-up like that it surely didn't feel like that.
Jordan and I came prepared with SO MUCH information that would be helpful to these folks. This included information about our insurance, services offered to military families, services offered in State College, different support systems we have, etc. Jess also helped us to prepare by "briefing" us the night before with many different types of questions they may ask.
It was so apparent that each of these workers loved these sweet little kids. You could tell by the way they talked about them...so sincere, so thoughtful, and so protective.
They asked such great questions that we felt we were truly able to give them an accurate representation of who we are as a couple, as individuals, and as a potential family. In turn, we were able to ask them so many questions about the kids and find out about the first few years these buggers have already had.
Jordan seems to think we impressed them. He tells me stories about them scribbling notes as I spoke on my soap box, about how they nodded their heads in agreement when we talked about the important family foundations that we would strive to build in our family, and how they raised their eyebrows when we showed them some scrapbooks of our families, friends, and fun times. Me, I never caught any of this. My mind was racing at a million miles a minute. I was too focused on the question at hand and anticipating the question that may come next. I do remember; however, that they did seem impressed when I, being the type-A personailty that I am, whipped out my excel spreadsheet of all the items that we'll need to purchase for each room of the house and the outside (they actually asked me if we thought about what we may need - haha...thankfully I didn't laugh out loud). The three of us left the room feeling great.
Whether or not we get these kids we are extremely pleased with the outcome of the interview. At the very least it was a great opportunity. At the very best we'll end up with our kids. I wish I could tell you more about them. They seem so great, so fun, so lovable and boy are they cute - so cute!
We were told today that they intend to make a decision within a week. This is good news. We really want to know one way or another so we can continue to love on these kids or so we can emotionally detach from the idea of welcoming them into our home. Of course, we'll be sure to let you know.
In the mean time we'll be preparing for interview #2 on Monday. We really hope and pray that one says "yes" and the other says "no." Our biggest fear is having to decide between groups. In fact, we may defer that to the experts (caseworkers) should that happen.
So, friends, keep praying and wishing and hoping that soon we find out we have some kids. We're trying not to get too excited but we're so close it's hard not to be.
Here's to some good news VERY soon!
Friday, February 18, 2011
You'll Never Believe It
WE HAVE ANOTHER INTERVIEW!!!
Again, before you start jumping up and down and calling the local news (I was really quite close to doing so this time), let me clarify: this doesn't mean we get the kids. It only means we are a real potential fit for these kids. But it is a step - a pretty big step.
Do you remember in the last post I told you about two caseworkers who were pretty interested in us? You know, the ones who called Jess a few times to get more information and clarify her understanding of current information. Well anyway, it was one of those to workers who called Jess this afternoon to see if Jordan and I could come for an interview on Monday February 28th.
We are overjoyed. Having one interview scheduled was just awesome; it was a true answer to prayer. But now we have two scheduled...two within the course of one week. I'm walking (floating?) around this house like a loon. Just to give you an example of where my mind is not, here is what I did this afternoon:
Our mailbox is at the end of our road, oh, at least 100 yards from our front door. After I get home from work, Brookie and I always walk out to the mailbox together to get the mail. We did that today. I walked 100+ yards to the mailbox with my dog and got the mail. Then, about 45 minutes later in my state of utter joy and with my brain daydreaming about more and more kids I walked 100+ yards out the to the mailbox with my dog AGAIN. When I opened the mailbox and saw it was empty I thought it was odd that I didn't have any mail...until I came back inside and saw it sitting on the kitchen table........
It's going to be a nutty week waiting for these interviews. But I am loving every single second of it.
I know this doesn't mean we get any kids. But boy is it ever a big step closer. After the call about the first interview we decided not to get our hopes up (yeah right) but now that we have a second call all of my self restraint has left me and my emotions are unbridled - this is pretty rare for me.
What can you do to help, friends? Keep encouraging, wishing, and praying for us. We sure would love to have kids soon. We would be absolutely delighted with either of these two sets. Our biggest fear, though, is NOT not getting the kids. Our biggest fear is having to choose one set over the other.
Please pray that if one of these sets is intended for us that it is crystal clear.
We have already fallen madly in love with these kids. I know it's dangerous but now that they are a real potential we just can't help it. We've been staring at their pictures, thinking of things we'll need to get for them, planning our first family outings and vacations, etc. We can't wait to show them off to all of you.
If you want to pray specifically, here is the best I can do as far as information about the kids:
GROUP #1 GROUP #2
4 kids 3 kids
1 boy, 3 girls 2 boys, 1 girl
age range 1.5 - 6 age range 1 - 8
from PA from PA
That's all I can give for now. If one of these groups become ours, our life will sure be changed...we can't wait. We can't wait to meet our match one day and love 'em up and bring 'em home.
So, here's to more good news! What a blessing, what a joy, what a journey, what a gift!
Here's another verse I've been clinging to lately. I think this week I'll cling to it even more tightly:
"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:14
I'll let you know how well that works...might be easier said than done :)
Before I leave, I want to thank you all again for such an outpouring of love and support. We'll never be able to thank you enough or tell you how much it means to us.
Again, before you start jumping up and down and calling the local news (I was really quite close to doing so this time), let me clarify: this doesn't mean we get the kids. It only means we are a real potential fit for these kids. But it is a step - a pretty big step.
Do you remember in the last post I told you about two caseworkers who were pretty interested in us? You know, the ones who called Jess a few times to get more information and clarify her understanding of current information. Well anyway, it was one of those to workers who called Jess this afternoon to see if Jordan and I could come for an interview on Monday February 28th.
We are overjoyed. Having one interview scheduled was just awesome; it was a true answer to prayer. But now we have two scheduled...two within the course of one week. I'm walking (floating?) around this house like a loon. Just to give you an example of where my mind is not, here is what I did this afternoon:
Our mailbox is at the end of our road, oh, at least 100 yards from our front door. After I get home from work, Brookie and I always walk out to the mailbox together to get the mail. We did that today. I walked 100+ yards to the mailbox with my dog and got the mail. Then, about 45 minutes later in my state of utter joy and with my brain daydreaming about more and more kids I walked 100+ yards out the to the mailbox with my dog AGAIN. When I opened the mailbox and saw it was empty I thought it was odd that I didn't have any mail...until I came back inside and saw it sitting on the kitchen table........
It's going to be a nutty week waiting for these interviews. But I am loving every single second of it.
I know this doesn't mean we get any kids. But boy is it ever a big step closer. After the call about the first interview we decided not to get our hopes up (yeah right) but now that we have a second call all of my self restraint has left me and my emotions are unbridled - this is pretty rare for me.
What can you do to help, friends? Keep encouraging, wishing, and praying for us. We sure would love to have kids soon. We would be absolutely delighted with either of these two sets. Our biggest fear, though, is NOT not getting the kids. Our biggest fear is having to choose one set over the other.
Please pray that if one of these sets is intended for us that it is crystal clear.
We have already fallen madly in love with these kids. I know it's dangerous but now that they are a real potential we just can't help it. We've been staring at their pictures, thinking of things we'll need to get for them, planning our first family outings and vacations, etc. We can't wait to show them off to all of you.
If you want to pray specifically, here is the best I can do as far as information about the kids:
GROUP #1 GROUP #2
4 kids 3 kids
1 boy, 3 girls 2 boys, 1 girl
age range 1.5 - 6 age range 1 - 8
from PA from PA
That's all I can give for now. If one of these groups become ours, our life will sure be changed...we can't wait. We can't wait to meet our match one day and love 'em up and bring 'em home.
So, here's to more good news! What a blessing, what a joy, what a journey, what a gift!
Here's another verse I've been clinging to lately. I think this week I'll cling to it even more tightly:
"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:14
I'll let you know how well that works...might be easier said than done :)
Before I leave, I want to thank you all again for such an outpouring of love and support. We'll never be able to thank you enough or tell you how much it means to us.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Progress...Real Progress!
I can hardly type I am so excited. We have made significant progress over the past week. Let's start with the not-the-greatest progress:
We have had quite a few groups taken off our list this past week. We went from 11 down to 6. Though we were disappointed, that happens...and it is progress. We would MUCH RATHER know who is no longer on our list than wait in the foster care purgatory where we just don't know anything about a group. So, though it sounds contradictory, we count the "No's" as progress.
Now, for some semi-big news:
Two groups on our list have called our caseworker more than once to get more information about us. Some of the information was so specific that our Jess (our caseworker) had to call us for the answers. This is great news. The fact that two different caseworkers for two different sets of kids called to learn more about us is great. Obviously that means they are pretty interested in us as parents for their kids. We are thrilled about this.
Now, for some even bigger news:
WE HAVE AN INTERVIEW! A caseworker called Jess today (2/16/11) to see if we were interested enough to set-up an interview with her and the County Worker. This is wonderful news. Let me clarify quickly before you start jumping up and down and calling the local news (like I almost did!): this does not mean we "get the kids." This only means that we seem like real potential fit for these kids and the caseworker and county worker want a chance to meet with us. From what we know, this process is usually limited to 3-5 families. It is likely that a family will be chosen for these kids from the families that are interviewed. So yes, we are a real potential...but so are other families.
I wish I could tell you more about the process. I will be able to after Wednesday February 23 - which is the date of our interview. Jess will brief us and prepare us as best as she can so we are prepared for all sorts of questions. Don't you worry, friends, I'm already arming my brain with all the info I can: all of my resources in the medical and education field, child development classes, resources in the military, etc. I will go into this interview armed and ready for battle...battle for my kids.
So, what can you do. Encourage us and pray for us. Right now, even as I type, I am so nervous I could vomit. The thought of "auditioning" for my kids terrifies me. Good-bye sleep - I won't see you for quite some time.
What if we don't pass...what if we don't get these kids? Well, the right I'm-A-Good-Christian-And-Have-An-Unwaivering-Faith-answer is this: We'll know they weren't the kids that were meant for us so we are thankful for the opportunity to learn more about the interview process and we'll move on excitedly knowing that our kids are still out there waiting for us.
I suspect, though, our answer will look more like I'm-A-Growing-Christian-And-Have-A-Faith-That-Is-Growing-Too-Answer: We'll know they weren't the kids for us but we'll still be terribly disappointed because we came so close. Although we'll be thankful to learn about the interview process we'll be scared to go through it again knowing we might feel the same bad feelings that come with "not making the cut." I'm not really sure how we'll feel - I'm only guessing from experience.
If we get the kids - you'll know. Boy will you ever know. You'll know about any kids we get. The world will know.
Until then, we'll keep you posted. Until then we need you, friends. I'll be in touch soon! Until then, lets hang on this verse:
Psalm 29:11 - The LORD gives strength to His people; the LORD blesses His people with peace.
We have had quite a few groups taken off our list this past week. We went from 11 down to 6. Though we were disappointed, that happens...and it is progress. We would MUCH RATHER know who is no longer on our list than wait in the foster care purgatory where we just don't know anything about a group. So, though it sounds contradictory, we count the "No's" as progress.
Now, for some semi-big news:
Two groups on our list have called our caseworker more than once to get more information about us. Some of the information was so specific that our Jess (our caseworker) had to call us for the answers. This is great news. The fact that two different caseworkers for two different sets of kids called to learn more about us is great. Obviously that means they are pretty interested in us as parents for their kids. We are thrilled about this.
Now, for some even bigger news:
WE HAVE AN INTERVIEW! A caseworker called Jess today (2/16/11) to see if we were interested enough to set-up an interview with her and the County Worker. This is wonderful news. Let me clarify quickly before you start jumping up and down and calling the local news (like I almost did!): this does not mean we "get the kids." This only means that we seem like real potential fit for these kids and the caseworker and county worker want a chance to meet with us. From what we know, this process is usually limited to 3-5 families. It is likely that a family will be chosen for these kids from the families that are interviewed. So yes, we are a real potential...but so are other families.
I wish I could tell you more about the process. I will be able to after Wednesday February 23 - which is the date of our interview. Jess will brief us and prepare us as best as she can so we are prepared for all sorts of questions. Don't you worry, friends, I'm already arming my brain with all the info I can: all of my resources in the medical and education field, child development classes, resources in the military, etc. I will go into this interview armed and ready for battle...battle for my kids.
So, what can you do. Encourage us and pray for us. Right now, even as I type, I am so nervous I could vomit. The thought of "auditioning" for my kids terrifies me. Good-bye sleep - I won't see you for quite some time.
What if we don't pass...what if we don't get these kids? Well, the right I'm-A-Good-Christian-And-Have-An-Unwaivering-Faith-answer is this: We'll know they weren't the kids that were meant for us so we are thankful for the opportunity to learn more about the interview process and we'll move on excitedly knowing that our kids are still out there waiting for us.
I suspect, though, our answer will look more like I'm-A-Growing-Christian-And-Have-A-Faith-That-Is-Growing-Too-Answer: We'll know they weren't the kids for us but we'll still be terribly disappointed because we came so close. Although we'll be thankful to learn about the interview process we'll be scared to go through it again knowing we might feel the same bad feelings that come with "not making the cut." I'm not really sure how we'll feel - I'm only guessing from experience.
If we get the kids - you'll know. Boy will you ever know. You'll know about any kids we get. The world will know.
Until then, we'll keep you posted. Until then we need you, friends. I'll be in touch soon! Until then, lets hang on this verse:
Psalm 29:11 - The LORD gives strength to His people; the LORD blesses His people with peace.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
The Good In Inadequacy
Inadequacy - what a terrible word.
Let me define it before we begin: Not adequate, not sufficient, not equal to what is required
This past week this ugly word has been at the forefront of my thoughts and I wasn't quite sure why. As I thought about it, really and truly thought about it, I came to the (sad) realization that it's been a central theme in my life lately. At first I found that hard to believe. For those of you who know me well I'm pretty confident in myself (yes, at times this too is a vice). I'm very confident in my abilities (like my job, my cooking, etc) and I'm very confident in my inabilities (like athletics and vehicles, etc). I know what I can do and I know what I can't do. Why, then, am I feeling inadequate and why won't this rotten word leave me alone.
Let me share with you why I think this is so...
We all know by now that when Jordan and I decided to start a family it didn't work out how we thought it would. We tried our hardest to have a child and it just wasn't working. Althought it was heart-wrenching for us to go through, at that point in the process we didn't know exactly why. We were still in this together. Then came the testing. After a few differently fertility tests we quickly found out that this wasn't because of Jordan. BAM Like a whack in the face the feelings of inadequacy started at that point. Woman have children - that's what they do. But I couldn't. I felt not equal to what is required in both a woman and in a wife.
- I am thankful to have a husband who tried his darndest not to let that burden fall on me
- I am thankful to our doctor who so willingly counseled and comforted me
- I am thankful to the medical field who offered the hope of having a child with treatment
- I am thankful to my God who brought me out of the dangerous place of inadequacy
Fast forward a bit: We decided to adopt. What an absolutely joyous decision for us. By reading the past posts you certainly know that despite that ups and downs of this journey we are 100% delighted and our love for our children grows exponentially everyday. But (I say that a lot, don't I), if I am being truthful with myself and truthful with you the feeling of inadequacy still lingers. If I don't watch myself and guard my heart I fall into that ugly, terrible place again. When I think about all of the different groups of available children that we weren't chosen for, I feel inadequate. I feel not equal to what is required to raise children when we aren't chosen to be parents.
I know the feeling of inadequacy is not meant for us. I don't believe that our God wants anyone to feel inadequate - that's why he throws us a rope and pulls us out when we call to Him. But I do believe that these feelings will serve a good purpose for me. Here's why:
The children we are getting will no doubt have felt inadequate in their short little lives. Their biological parents for some reason or another couldn't/wouldn't take care of them. They couldn't do this to the point that the legal system had to intervene and take these children from their parents. These poor little loves likely don't understand that NONE OF THIS was their fault - they only know they aren't with their parents. They may be too young now to feel this way but there will surely be a day when they know that I didn't give birth to them and they 'll want to know their own story. Then, they are placed in a system where they are in a temporary home...a home that can't keep them forever. We all know that this is a necessary evil of the system. We are genuinely thankful for those folks who have a heart for foster children but goodness knows they can't keep them all. When I think of all the times and situations where my children may have felt inadequate or all the times that they may feel it in the future, I am so deeply thankful for my own feelings of inadequacy. But compared to their story, I feel that I don't even have a right to feel this way and I feel new feelings of inadequacy. Maybe, just maybe, this is one of those hard lessons that will make me a better mom for these kids. Because of this specific journey I am confident that I will be able to understand them better and show them the love and grace they may need.
I didn't particularly want to share this story - at least not for the entire world to see. This week, though, a dear friend of mine sent me the sweetest note. In it she thanked me for being so open and honest about my feelings and my faith. She didn't have to do that - but she did. Because of her simple (and much appreciated) gesture I fet compelled to share. I'd venture to guess that most of us feel inadequate at times. Don't stay in that place. It's dangerous. Call a friend, call on God, call on your family, call on your pastor, and get yourself out of there.
Then, find the good in it.
Use your experiences to help others. It does NO GOOD to keep good or bad experiences to ourselves (I'm only learning this myself...it's not something I always enjoy doing). It's much easier and much safer to keep things to ourselves. Trust me, I know. I've rationalized myself out of so many potential opportunities to help others just so I could stay in my "comfort zone." I know there will be many more opportunities that I miss because of my own pride. I'm going to try, though. I'm going to try to stop worrying so much about myself and my image and my comfort. I don't think there is an easy answer on how to do this other than to just try. Pass it on, pay it forward...whatever you want to call it is fine - just do something good with it, help someone else.
Before I end I'm going to share a Bible verse I always believed in, mostly by faith because it was in the Bible. I'm slowly, though, believing this verse to be personally true not only by faith but now through experience:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
I can sleep a little better at night when I truly believe this verse. You see, it's not meant to only comfort me. It's meant to comfort Jordan, it's meant to comfort my kids, it's meant to comfort my friends and family, and it's meant to comfort YOU.
Side note: No new info on our kids. We'll be sure to let you when we know!
Let me define it before we begin: Not adequate, not sufficient, not equal to what is required
This past week this ugly word has been at the forefront of my thoughts and I wasn't quite sure why. As I thought about it, really and truly thought about it, I came to the (sad) realization that it's been a central theme in my life lately. At first I found that hard to believe. For those of you who know me well I'm pretty confident in myself (yes, at times this too is a vice). I'm very confident in my abilities (like my job, my cooking, etc) and I'm very confident in my inabilities (like athletics and vehicles, etc). I know what I can do and I know what I can't do. Why, then, am I feeling inadequate and why won't this rotten word leave me alone.
Let me share with you why I think this is so...
We all know by now that when Jordan and I decided to start a family it didn't work out how we thought it would. We tried our hardest to have a child and it just wasn't working. Althought it was heart-wrenching for us to go through, at that point in the process we didn't know exactly why. We were still in this together. Then came the testing. After a few differently fertility tests we quickly found out that this wasn't because of Jordan. BAM Like a whack in the face the feelings of inadequacy started at that point. Woman have children - that's what they do. But I couldn't. I felt not equal to what is required in both a woman and in a wife.
- I am thankful to have a husband who tried his darndest not to let that burden fall on me
- I am thankful to our doctor who so willingly counseled and comforted me
- I am thankful to the medical field who offered the hope of having a child with treatment
- I am thankful to my God who brought me out of the dangerous place of inadequacy
Fast forward a bit: We decided to adopt. What an absolutely joyous decision for us. By reading the past posts you certainly know that despite that ups and downs of this journey we are 100% delighted and our love for our children grows exponentially everyday. But (I say that a lot, don't I), if I am being truthful with myself and truthful with you the feeling of inadequacy still lingers. If I don't watch myself and guard my heart I fall into that ugly, terrible place again. When I think about all of the different groups of available children that we weren't chosen for, I feel inadequate. I feel not equal to what is required to raise children when we aren't chosen to be parents.
I know the feeling of inadequacy is not meant for us. I don't believe that our God wants anyone to feel inadequate - that's why he throws us a rope and pulls us out when we call to Him. But I do believe that these feelings will serve a good purpose for me. Here's why:
The children we are getting will no doubt have felt inadequate in their short little lives. Their biological parents for some reason or another couldn't/wouldn't take care of them. They couldn't do this to the point that the legal system had to intervene and take these children from their parents. These poor little loves likely don't understand that NONE OF THIS was their fault - they only know they aren't with their parents. They may be too young now to feel this way but there will surely be a day when they know that I didn't give birth to them and they 'll want to know their own story. Then, they are placed in a system where they are in a temporary home...a home that can't keep them forever. We all know that this is a necessary evil of the system. We are genuinely thankful for those folks who have a heart for foster children but goodness knows they can't keep them all. When I think of all the times and situations where my children may have felt inadequate or all the times that they may feel it in the future, I am so deeply thankful for my own feelings of inadequacy. But compared to their story, I feel that I don't even have a right to feel this way and I feel new feelings of inadequacy. Maybe, just maybe, this is one of those hard lessons that will make me a better mom for these kids. Because of this specific journey I am confident that I will be able to understand them better and show them the love and grace they may need.
I didn't particularly want to share this story - at least not for the entire world to see. This week, though, a dear friend of mine sent me the sweetest note. In it she thanked me for being so open and honest about my feelings and my faith. She didn't have to do that - but she did. Because of her simple (and much appreciated) gesture I fet compelled to share. I'd venture to guess that most of us feel inadequate at times. Don't stay in that place. It's dangerous. Call a friend, call on God, call on your family, call on your pastor, and get yourself out of there.
Then, find the good in it.
Use your experiences to help others. It does NO GOOD to keep good or bad experiences to ourselves (I'm only learning this myself...it's not something I always enjoy doing). It's much easier and much safer to keep things to ourselves. Trust me, I know. I've rationalized myself out of so many potential opportunities to help others just so I could stay in my "comfort zone." I know there will be many more opportunities that I miss because of my own pride. I'm going to try, though. I'm going to try to stop worrying so much about myself and my image and my comfort. I don't think there is an easy answer on how to do this other than to just try. Pass it on, pay it forward...whatever you want to call it is fine - just do something good with it, help someone else.
Before I end I'm going to share a Bible verse I always believed in, mostly by faith because it was in the Bible. I'm slowly, though, believing this verse to be personally true not only by faith but now through experience:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
I can sleep a little better at night when I truly believe this verse. You see, it's not meant to only comfort me. It's meant to comfort Jordan, it's meant to comfort my kids, it's meant to comfort my friends and family, and it's meant to comfort YOU.
Side note: No new info on our kids. We'll be sure to let you when we know!
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