The Good In Inadequacy

Inadequacy - what a terrible word. 

Let me define it before we begin:  Not adequate, not sufficient, not equal to what is required

This past week this ugly word has been at the forefront of my thoughts and I wasn't quite sure why.  As I thought about it, really and truly thought about it, I came to the (sad) realization that it's been a central theme in my life lately.  At first I found that hard to believe.  For those of you who know me well I'm pretty confident in myself (yes, at times this too is a vice).  I'm very confident in my abilities (like my job, my cooking, etc) and I'm very confident in my inabilities (like athletics and vehicles, etc).  I know what I can do and I know what I can't do.  Why, then, am I feeling inadequate and why won't this rotten word leave me alone.

Let me share with you why I think this is so...

We all know by now that when Jordan and I decided to start a family it didn't work out how we thought it would.  We tried our hardest to have a child and it just wasn't working.  Althought it was heart-wrenching for us to go through, at that point in the process we didn't know exactly why.  We were still in this together.  Then came the testing.  After a few differently fertility tests we quickly found out that this wasn't because of Jordan.  BAM  Like a whack in the face the feelings of inadequacy started at that point.  Woman have children - that's what they do.  But I couldn't.  I felt not equal to what is required in both a woman and in a wife.
- I am thankful to have a husband who tried his darndest not to let that burden fall on me
- I am thankful to our doctor who so willingly counseled and comforted me
- I am thankful to the medical field who offered the hope of having a child with treatment
- I am thankful to my God who brought me out of the dangerous place of inadequacy

Fast forward a bit:  We decided to adopt.  What an absolutely joyous decision for us.  By reading the past posts you certainly know that despite that ups and downs of this journey we are 100% delighted and our love for our children grows exponentially everyday.  But (I say that a lot, don't I), if I am being truthful with myself and truthful with you the feeling of inadequacy still lingers.  If I don't watch myself and guard my heart I fall into that ugly, terrible place again.  When I think about all of the different groups of available children that we weren't chosen for, I feel inadequate.  I feel not equal to what is required to raise children when we aren't chosen to be parents.

I know the feeling of inadequacy is not meant for us.  I don't believe that our God wants anyone to feel inadequate - that's why he throws us a rope and pulls us out when we call to Him.  But I do believe that these feelings will serve a good purpose for me. Here's why:

The children we are getting will no doubt have felt inadequate in their short little lives.  Their biological parents for some reason or another couldn't/wouldn't take care of them.  They couldn't do this to the point that the legal system had to intervene and take these children from their parents.  These poor little loves likely don't understand that NONE OF THIS was their fault - they only know they aren't with their parents.  They may be too young now to feel this way but there will surely be a day when they know that I didn't give birth to them and they 'll want to know their own story.  Then, they are placed in a system where they are in a temporary home...a home that can't keep them forever.  We all know that this is a necessary evil of the system.  We are genuinely thankful for those folks who have a heart for foster children but goodness knows they can't keep them all.  When I think of all the times and situations where my children may have felt inadequate or all the times that they may feel it in the future, I am so deeply thankful for my own feelings of inadequacy.  But compared to their story, I feel that I don't even have a right to feel this way and I feel new feelings of inadequacy.  Maybe, just maybe, this is one of those hard lessons that will make me a better mom for these kids.  Because of this specific journey I am confident that I will be able to understand them better and show them the love and grace they may need. 

I didn't particularly want to share this story - at least not for the entire world to see.  This week, though, a dear friend of mine sent me the sweetest note.  In it she thanked me for being so open and honest about my feelings and my faith.  She didn't have to do that - but she did.  Because of her simple (and much appreciated) gesture I fet compelled to share.  I'd venture to guess that most of us feel inadequate at times.  Don't stay in that place.  It's dangerous.  Call a friend, call on God, call on your family, call on your pastor, and get yourself out of there.

Then, find the good in it.

Use your experiences to help others.  It does NO GOOD to keep good or bad experiences to ourselves (I'm only learning this myself...it's not something I always enjoy doing).  It's much easier and much safer to keep things to ourselves.  Trust me, I know.  I've rationalized myself out of so many potential opportunities to help others just so I could stay in my "comfort zone."  I know there will be many more opportunities that I miss because of my own pride.  I'm going to try, though.  I'm going to try to stop worrying so much about myself and my image and my comfort.  I don't think there is an easy answer on how to do this other than to just try.  Pass it on, pay it forward...whatever you want to call it is fine - just do something good with it, help someone else. 

Before I end I'm going to share a Bible verse I always believed in, mostly by faith because it was in the Bible.  I'm slowly, though, believing this verse to be personally true not only by faith but now through experience:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) 

I can sleep a little better at night when I truly believe this verse.  You see, it's not meant to only comfort me.  It's meant to comfort Jordan, it's meant to comfort my kids, it's meant to comfort my friends and family, and it's meant to comfort YOU.

Side note:  No new info on our kids.  We'll be sure to let you when we know!