The Un-Update

I sure wish I had some news to share...good or bad.  Right now, though, we don't have any.  Consider this your Not-Really-An-Update-Update.

The agency/county from our first interview (the group of four) wanted to have their decision made by two Fridays ago (March 4).  Some unforseen or forseen (we don't know) events have occurred that did not let them meet that deadline.  They have been in contact with our caseworker and are very apologetic that a decision hasn't been made yet.  They assured Jess as soon as a decision was made as to which family is matched with the kids that they would let her know.  We're still waiting for some news on this one.  Apparently this isn't completely uncommon with this sort of case.  Things come up and can change easily.  We're just waiting to find out if we're lucky enough to love on these little buggers.

The second agency/county from our second interview (the group of three) should have finished interviewing other families by this point.  All we are waiting on is to hear when our next interview (Round 2) is with them.  They had set a goal for the Round 2 Interview to be held in the month of March.  They made it clear that this was only a goal and it could be pushed into April.  Hopefully they'll soon let us know and we can keep moving forward with these loves.

We're holding up in the Ames in house.  We are weary of waiting but now we're in a place of peace, a place we haven't really been in a while.  Recently, as we talked through this whole process we realized how much we were not in control.  Everything single thing that we thought would, could, or might happen a certain way did not.  In that place of having no control we can clearly see how it did indeed all work out okay and in some places worked out even better than we thought.  I never really thought I'd say this but there is real freedom in letting go of the need to control.  Please hear what I am not saying:  I am not saying that you shouldn't do what you can when you can.  I am saying that when you do what you can when you can, leave it at that.  Stop worrying.  Stop double checking.  Stop feeling anxious.  Stop bad attitudes.  Stop wondering why something didn't happen.

And start seeking and thanking the One who knows what he is doing all the time.

It's no secret that I like to maintain control in my life.  I like to plan, I like to organize, I like to be prepared, I like things my way in my time.  I truly don't believe these qualities are bad qualities.  In fact, they often come in handy.  When these qualities are bad and actually harmful is when I think that they are above the ways of God's perfect plan. 

A week ago as I was praying for my friends a word picture was given to me that I shared with them.  Picture this with me if you can:  a beautiful piece of artwork.  Any piece, just pick a piece.  I like Monet so I think of "Water Lily Pond."  If you take just one small portion of the artwork it doesn't look like much.  In fact, you won't even be able to tell what it is.  It may be a dark color, it may be a light color.  It may have no color.  It may be pretty or it may be ugly.  If that's all you can see, though, you'll likely base your feelings of the work on that one tiny little section.  If you have the ability to step back...waaaaaay back...and see the whole entire piece you'll clearly see how that little small portion fits perfectly into the big picture...the big beautiful picture.

After I prayed that for my friends it dawned on me:  Sarah, take your own bloody advice for once.  At that point it all kind of came together.  I don't need to see the whole big picture.  I know it's there and I know it's beautiful and that should be enough for me.  And that, my friends, is how peace came to me.

I still am weary and I still would love to have my kids but now is just a bit different.  It doesn't come naturally and isn't always easy to remain peaceful but it sure feels better this way (plus, I like having some sleep back!).  To those of you who have helped me get here by praying, encouraging, talking, and just sticking with me through  my mess of moods, consider this one great big thank you (especially to Jordan, Mom and Daddy).

My moral tonight is this:  please know that if you are in a situation where you are anxious, worried, upset, etc. there is peace for you.  All you have to do is ask for it.  That was my problem.  I didn't ask for peace, I asked for things to turn out the way I wanted them.  Now that I have that straightened out my load (and my step) is just a little lighter.

"And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7