What's the POINT of Discipline?

I attended a fantastic seminar provided by our church today entitled:  What's the POINT of Discipline?  I focused on the necessity of discipline when raising children but adding some grace into the mixture.  I left so encouraged.  The speakers broke this topic down into really applicable steps and not into broad ideas, which really helps a Type A person like myself.  I did my best to take notes which I'll share below.  I'd really love to hear your feedback on this as well as any additional tips and suggestions you may have.

What's the POINT of Discipline?

P:  Pray - Pray like your children's lives depend on it, because it does.  This doesn't mean only pray for them, it also means pray for yourself. 

- Make your relationship with God a priority and make this visible to your children.

-  You are called to be a Godly parent, not to raise Godly children.

-  The three most important things you can pray for your children are:

                   1.  Their salvation

                   2.  Their future spouse

                   3.  Their behavior

                             Notes on behavior:

                                 - Ignorance is NOT bliss when parenting, you must always pay attention to behavior, rewarding the good and disciplining the inappropriate.

                                 -  Pray your children get caught when misbehaving – they'll be safer for it!

                                 -  Encourage other family members and adults to help hold your children accountable for the behavior you expect and let your children know this.

O:  One - Be ONE with your spouse.  You and your spouse must ALWAYS be on the same page, supporting each other, in front of the children.

           - It's okay to not always agree on discipline, rules, and expectations but do this in private.  You and your spouse must be a united front or your children will drive a wedge in between you both...and they'll know it.

          - Honor and praise your spouse in front of your children.

          - Verbally and physically love your spouse in front of your children.

          - You want your children to have a healthy relationship to mimic and look up to

I:  Intentional - Be INTENTIONAL with your discipline.  Lazy parents will raise lazy children.

          - Decide your rules, expectations, and boundaries and UPHOLD them

                                       - Kids crave and desire clear expectations

         - Decide consequences ahead of time.  This will keep you from overreacting from anger and frustration or underreacting from weariness and fatigue.

        - Decide which offenses are punishable and which can be teachable moments.

               Note:  A punishable offense should be when a child is purely disobedient by breaking a rule out of sheer choice (this is why it's important to have this decided ahead of time).

                        A teaching moment should be when an accident happens from inappropriate behavior o rminor offenses.  However, a warning should then be given.  The next time it happens a consequence should follow.

             ex:  Punishable offense:  your child hits someone, throws a toy, refuses to follow a direction

                   A teaching moment:  your child is playing too rough and breaks a vase, your child knocks over his cup at the table because he's not sitting still. your child says a mean thing in response to anger

                        - Un-busy your life:  It is hard to be an intentional parent when you don't have the time.

                                    BUSY = Being under Satan's yoke; he wants you to be busy so you don't have time

for your children or for God.

                       -  You MUST be consistent - and you can't be if you're too busy!

                       - You will grow weary of being consistent, especially with the little things that you think may not matter "all that much" but IT DOES MATTER.

                       -  You must always follow through...every single time.  It will be hard and tiresome but God will honor your dedication.  You will see sweet blessings from this in your life. 

                       -  It is most difficult to remain consistent with the simple, mundane tasks.  If you tell your child to tie their shoes and they do not, this is disobedience.

                      -  Only make threats you can and will carry out

                               - This is hard in the heat of the moment, here's an idea:

                                           Make an "If-Then" chart.  This can be for you to refer to when your children are young.  As they get older they can refer to it themselves.  The concept of the chart is this:   If you do (insert behavior) then this (insert consequence).  This will keep you from over or under reacting.  You can make the behaviors broad (disobeying, saying bad words, etc) or very specific (typically child specific to target certain behaviors).

                       *Prepare your child for the path, not the path for your child*

N:  Never - NEVER give up.  Your end goal should be for your children to love God with all of their heart, soul, mind, and strength.

            - At the end of each day ask yourself:  What did I do to incorporate God into our lives today?

            -  Encourage yourself with scripture, music, other mothers and fathers

            - You WILL grow weary, find a way to refresh yourself:  bubble bath, reading, hobbies               

            - KNOW and TRUST that your children will thrive because of your consistency

T:  Teachable - ALL discipline should include TEACHABLE obedience

            - Your children must be taught to obey you AND to obey Jesus

            - Give your child grace BEFORE the action.  Do this by knowing their strengths and weaknesses.  Do not set them up for failure.  Rather, set the rules and expectations by their age and ability.  This is the grace.  Anticipate their needs.  They must strive to obey.

           -*We live in a child-centered society.  Children are now expected to act like children. Much of their inappropriate behavior is tolerated because they are children.  This is wrong thinking.  Do NOT be a child-centered home.  This produces children who are self-centered and full of excuses.  Discipline must begin at birth.  Society may scourn you but God will honor this and your children will be better for it.

           - Young children must be taught obedience to parents so they are obedient to other authority as they grow and mature (teachers, employers, and ultimately God).

Other tidbits from the session:

- Use the phrase "That's inappropriate" for anything (behavior, TV shows, music, clothing, etc) that may not necessarily be wrong but either is not God-honoring or doesn't fit into your family values.  This will give your children verbage to use as they get older without sounding condemning to others.

- Widen your circle of influence by meeting adults where your children spend their time (school, sports, etc) so you have other trustworthy adults who can help influence your children and help hold them accountable.

- Books:

    - How to Make Them Mind Without Losing Yours - Kevin Lehman

    - The Birth Order Book - Kevin Lehman

    - Parenting Beyond Your Capacity - (sorry, didn't catch the author)

    - The Treasure Tree

- Try "The Couch of Repentence"  When your children are arguing make them both sit on the couch and hold hands until they can each tell you how their inappropriate actions/language caused the arguement.  They must also tell you how they can avoid it next time.

- Try "The Manners Candle"  Buy a long taper candle and light it at the start of each dinner.  When ANY of the children have bad manners it gets blown out and is NOT relit that dinner.  When the candle melts down to the end the children are then rewarded somehow (special dessert, dinner out, etc).  This makes them work as a team as well.  It's up to them to determine how long the candle stays lit.  The candle is blown out at the end of dinner, as determined by the parent.  You may  have to set a time limit if they're smart enough to eat slowly to prolong the burning!

- Learn your children's love language and USE IT!

- Don't underestimate the power of verbal praise as a reward; don't be too quick to buy presents and treats for good behavior.

-  Don't set reward systems for expected behavior that they've already mastered.  Set reward systems for learning behaviors.

- Incorporate scripture daily

- Respect the importance of family meals

- Listen to your husbands.  They may not know your children the way that you do but God gives them the wisdom to raise a family.  They have an entirely different perspective that may be useful.

- Give grace BEFORE the punishable offense by knowing your children.  Boredom is a precursor to bad behavior.  Help keep them occupied with different toys, crafts, games, etc.  Balance this with making sure they know how to occupy themselves (make sure they have appropriate things to occupy themselves with).

- VERY IMPORTANT:  Show your children that you have the same discipline that you expect from them.  Keep your home clean and in order, have household chores not only finished but finished correctly, always be on time for work/events, make time for your children, make time for your God, make time for your spouse.  Try your best to set the best example you can for your children.

There it is, friends.  Again, these are my notes from the seminar.  I'd love to hear your thoughts and feedback!