As many of you know the year after Jordan and I were married we tried to start our family the traditional way. That didn't work. You can read about that in one of my earlier blogs. Instead of pursuing infertility treatments, we decided to adopt. I say that like it was an easy decision. It wasn't. For the first time in my life, I wrestled with God. The idea I had in my head of how my family was going to be didn't match His plan. And I didn't like it one single bit. I had always succeeded in everything I tried (except softball!) and I was so angry that I couldn't make my body do what it was intended to do. After going round-and-round with God for six months, I finally laid down my fertility crown at His feet. Since that day almost 6 years ago I have never once felt lesser, saddened, or broken regarding my inability to bear children. I'll tell you it truly was like magic. The day I surrendered that to God was the day I no longer carried the burden of my infertility.
Fast forward: we obeyed God's call to adopt. Initially adoption was not a passion or desire of mine but as I surrendered myself to God's plan, it took root in my heart and became and still is one of the topics about which I am most passionate. You see, God re-wired the desires of my heart to fit his plan once I chose to become obedient to Him.
I now have six beautiful children. While they stretch me and grow me with their own struggles and hurts, they bring me great, great joy. Despite their current struggles, some being worse than others, I am beyond proud at how far they have come and continue to grow. I love watching their resiliency. I love watching them learn to trust. I love watching them love others and love God. I love them :)
Six is a lot. Six feels like more than six when 1. you live in the middle of nowhere and must drive 25 miles to get to any place of significance, 2. when your husband is rarely home, and 3. when you have no physical family support (you can't call family for those last minute babysitting jobs when they live 500 miles away!). Shortly after adopting Benjamin and Samuel, Jordan and I knew we had reached maximum capacity. Though our hearts longed to adopt again, we didn't have peace about pursuing another adoption. We agreed that if a child were to be presented to us we would never turn our backs but we wouldn't not actively pursue another adoption.
Then last year God began to work in my heart. Here are excerpts from my prayer journal. Though these are my private thoughts and prayers to God and for God, I know that in sharing parts of them His power will undoubtedly be seen.
"...Lord, You've given me six beautiful, wonderful children. Why all of a sudden do I want another? A baby at that! I've never been a huge fan of babies but my heart is longing for one - at least I think it is. You know what our family needs, You know what we can handle. If it's in Your will, Lord, bring us a child. If it's not, I pray you squash this desire..."
At this point, adoption was the only method of having another child that was on my mind. I was surprised that I thought my heart wanted a baby. God has given me a passion for older children.
Over the course of the last year, I felt God growing the desire for another child, specifically a baby, in my life. But even more specifically, a baby from my own barren womb. I wrestled again with this. I had laid down that crown after so much pain and sorrow and had finally come to a place where I truly and honestly no longer cared that I couldn't bear my own children. Why? Why was He asking me to pick up this crown again? I was scared. I didn't want to go through the hurt that I went through previously. I didn't want to "do battle" with God again. Though the outcome is always worth it, the process is painfully refining.
Here is another small excerpt:
"...I again place my family in Your hands. You know what we need and when we need it. Despite the longing for another child, I pray my heart's desire aligns with Your will..."
Here is another excerpt from my prayer journal from early March:
"Lord, What news I received from Erin today! My heart is so happy for her. What a gift. I can't help but think of the longings in my heart too. If anything, Erin's news helps me know that You will orchestrate the make-up of our family exactly as you want it and You will arrange the when and how. I do selfishly ask that if my heart's desire is not in Your plan, You remove it or subdue it...I desire our family to follow Your will for us. You know what we need and when we need it. Selfishly, if it is in line with what You want and is what is beneficial for our family, open this barren womb..."
I had finally come to a point where I realized I didn't need to wrestle with God again. I just needed to be at peace with whatever He decided. The plan is His and I needed to trust that His perfect will would prevail for us if we trusted and obeyed.
Shortly after I received the good news of my friend I had a dream that I gave birth to a baby girl. The dream was so vivid and so real to me. Here is part of my prayer from that day:
"...Was my dream only a dream? You know my heart's current desire. Is it only based on a wish or are you preparing me or telling me something? Take this desire from me unless You intend for me to walk through it. Oh, I know it would drastically and dramatically change our entire world but I can't help but think a baby would bring healing and unity to the children. I've seen this with the Subletts and with the Dayes. If it isn't in Your will for us to have more children, Lord, take this desire away..."
God didn't take this desire away. He strengthened it like nothing I've ever experienced before. Here is the last excerpt I will share. This prayer was written three days before I found out I was carrying our seventh miracle:
"...I have full confidence You can turn my barrenness around. As much as my heart longs for another child right now, I want to be content with 'whatever my lot.' You know the needs of our family. In my short-sighted vision I see this as a way to knit us closer. You see the whole picture. Prepare me either way. Continue to give me the desire if Your intent is for our family to grow and extinguish the desire if it is not. Help me and guide me..."
Three days later I found out I was pregnant. I'll try to blog the details of that shortly but I want this particular blog to point to God, the life-giver.
What I don't want you to see is anything I did. I want you to see what God did. I questioned him, I presented selfish requests, I doubted His reasoning but I trusted His ways. God can handle whatever you throw at Him. He can help you walk through any situation. You need only listen to Him to see which direction He would have you travel. The best way to do this regular dialogue with Him. Each situation where I have chosen obedience has brought so much more peace in my spirit. I'm learning this, and it does get easier each time I choose His way instead of mine. You see, I was so afraid again to let His desire grow in me. I had been down that rocky road. I didn't want to be hurt again. We were told there was less than a 1% chance of us becoming pregnant without intervention.
Yes, I started taking Plexus nearly two years ago and yes, I have eaten a whole-foods diet for four years, gluten-free diet for one (none of these were started for the purposes of having a child). Yes, I had liver surgery which potentially reset the enzymes that produce the proteins that bind to my hormones (or something like that!). I am not one to separate God from science. He could have very well used a combination of these three things to reset my body. Maybe He didn't. All I know is that He orchestrated this and the timing of all things in my life. Nothing more, nothing less. He is to be praised for this life and for all life.
I've had many doctors appointments and will be followed closely due to my liver surgery and previous diagnosis of infertility. This week we were able to see Baby Sister and hear her heart beat. The doctor said she's strong and healthy and he has no worries whatsoever. May this child's life be used to glorify Him.
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