Getting Ready

From the very day Jordan leaves on a deployment I put so much of my daily energy into preparing for his return.  I dearly and deeply love my husband.  I love him more than I could ever imagine.  So, it only seems natural that I would work so diligently at preparing for his return home.  As I was nudged to write this blog (explanation forthcoming) I took the time to examine all that I actually do to make sure things are in order for his return.
1.  Our home:  I take the time to do all the home renovations I have been meaning to do but hate wasting time doing while he's actually here.  I paint, repaint, refinish, steam carpets and furniture, wash walls, clean out closets and cabinets, start and finish yard projects, etc.  As the time gets even closer to his return I really start scrubbing and freshening up everything.  I want our home to be more than perfect for his first steps back into it.
2.  Our finances:  I am sure to keep on the budget we've agreed upon as to not cause unnecessary strife while he's gone.  I want my husband to know that I can be a good steward of our funds whether or not he's here.
3.  My physical appearance:  I work hard to keep my body in the same shape, if not better shape, for his return.  I continue to eat healthy and stay active so that he continues to find me visually appealing.  It's also important so I can remain  healthy and keep up with our active life style and set a good example for our children.
4.  My mind:  I continue to research and read up on all the topics that interest me and even some that don't.  I diligently study articles and books pertaining to health, parenting, personal growth, and marriage.  I also enjoy reading articles pertaining to my profession (that maybe someday I'll actually return to!).
5.  My heart and my marriage:  I work hard to seek God to fill my heart while Jordan's gone.  It is completely unfair of me to expect him to fill me when he is on a deployment.  While he tries his best and does so quite well, let's just face it:  When your husband is thousands of miles away for six months at a shot, you need an alternative.  I daily ask God to continue to sustain me with His presence during Jordan's absence.  I regularly pray that I have the strength I need to overcome any temptation or obstacle that could harm our marriage.  I'll say it again.  I absolutely adore Jordan.  My eyes and heart are only for him.  I can't even imagine doing anything that would harm him or our marriage.  But, I am human and therefore am weak ("Keep watching and praying that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." Matt. 26:41).  Who am I to think that our marriage is the exception without the help of God.  I have seen so many marriages fail.  Marriages that I thought never would.  Christian marriages.  May God have mercy on me if I think I am better than anyone else ("The highway of the upright is to depart from evil; He who watches his way preserves his life.  Pride goes before destruction..." Prov. 16:17-18)
6.  Our children:  I try my best to be momma and daddy while Jordan is away.  I try my best to love them extra and do extra fun things with them.  I speak of him regularly and as a family we pray for him daily.  It is very important for our children to understand AND appreciate the sacrifices that Jordan makes for all the children of the United States, not just his six.

So, where does the nudge come into play?  After a few discussions about Jesus' return and being ready at every moment, God (for once) spoke quietly and tenderly to me and asked me, "Why don't you prepare for Me like you do for Jordan?"  To be completely honest, this took me by surprise.  I had to sit on it for quite a few days.  First, God rarely speaks to me quietly.  In our relationship (as stated in a previous blog) He's in the fashion of whopping me upside the head.  Secondly, I thought working diligently to prepare for Jordan was a good thing, not a bad thing.  Lastly, I thought I was preparing for Christ's return well.

After seeking answers, here is what I have concluded:
1.  Maybe I'm actually growing.  I can listen to the still small voice (as I have been praying to be able to do) without needing to learn all my lessons the hard way.

"He whose ear listens to the life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise."

Proverbs 15:31

2.  Preparing for Jordan's return IS good.  All the things I am doing only help our home, our family, and our marriage.  But, it cannot consume me.  

"She girds herself with strength [spiritual, mental, and physical fitness for her God-given task] and makes her arms strong and firm"  Proverbs 31:17 AMP

3.  We've NEVER done preparing for Christ's return.  We can always do more, do better, reach more, and love more.  I need to rein my energy into preparing myself for His return more than I need to prepare for anything else.  I need love God and love others with a passion that is seen by all.  I need to be a light in this dark world - all the time, every day, every moment.

"For this reason you also must be ready; for the Son of Man is coming at an hour when you do not think He will."  Matthew 24:44

I Just Wanna Be a Sheep

Caution:  This is one of those posts that is written more for me than it is for you...for me to pen out what God has been placing on my heart.  I hope you get something from it besides my rambling words.  Something from Him for you.

Do you remember that song from children's church or church camp?  I know if you camped with me at Twin Pines you remember this song.  If not, click here and listen to it.  This blog may make much more sense if you hear the words first.  Yes, it is a children's song but there is so much Biblical truth in it that God has used while He's been working on my selfish little heart.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpYgYoNGM38

I envy you folks who can take a word or concept and make that your theme for the year.  I'd love to do that, to have that focus and intent.  I'd love to be able to see exactly what it is God wants from me so I can work on it proactively.  Instead, I'm in the other boat.  I make mistakes and he shows me, loudly and clearly, what I need to work on...and then I work on it...often times kicking and screaming like a brat.  (if you're one of those who can figure out a theme before you totally fail, please give me some pointers...I'd love to learn)

Late last year I read a verse that just smacked me right in the face.  It was one of those moments where I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God was pointing his Holy finger right at me.  Like almost-touching-my-nose-Heather-Dubrow-shake-it-up-and-down-finger-pointing.  The verses were part of a very famous part of scripture (The Love Chapter, 1 Corinthian 13..."love is patient, love is kind."  If you've ever been to a wedding you've heard these verses) but these particular verses I (and I think many of us) just skip over and head right to the verses we all know.  Here are the first three verses of the chapter:

"If I speak with the tongues of men and angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophesy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.  And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing."

- 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

Sometime I like referring to the Amplified Bible because it breaks things down just a bit more for us who need it.  Here's this version of the same passage:

"If I [can] speak in the tongues of men and [even] of angels, but have not love (that reasoning, intentional, spiritual devotion such as is inspired by God’s love for and in us), I am only a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers (the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), and understand all the secret truths and mysteries and possess all knowledge, and if I have [sufficient] faith so that I can remove mountains, but have not love (God’s love in me) I am nothing (a useless nobody). Even if I dole out all that I have [to the poor in providing] food, and if I surrender my body to be burned or in order that I may glory, but have not love (God’s love in me), I gain nothing."

So where does this song come into play?  God used this song to show me exactly what He wants of me in the very clear way that I needed.

I need to be a sheep.

  A Christ follower.  What is a Christ follower, a Jesus lover, an obedient servant?  It's spelled out very clearly for us all throughout scripture but here was my focus verse:

"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all soul, and with all your mind.  This is the great and foremost commandment.  The second is like it, You shall love your neighbor as yourself.  One these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets."

- Matthew 22: 37-40

I need NOT be a Pharisee, Saducee, or a goat.  I (I am pointing my finger at myself) and many of us "Christians" have lost track of this somewhere along the line.  Too many times, I  (we) have started caring too much about the law.  About what version of the Bible we read.  About what songs are appropriate for worship.  About what style of songs are appropriate for worship.  About where church gatherings should be held.  About what we should wear to church.  About who is allowed inside of the church.  We (Christians) have turned into the very people Christ warned his followers against.  

"Now Jesus turned to address his disciples, along with the crowd that had gathered with them. 'The religion scholars and Pharisees are competent teachers in God's Law.  You won't go wrong in following their teachings on Moses.  But be careful about following them.  They talk a good line, but they don't live it.  They don't take it into their hearts and live it out in their behavior...Instead of giving you God's Law as food and drink by which you can banquet on God, they package it in bundles of rules, loading you down like pack animals...."

- Matthew 23: 1-4 (MSG)

"To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable:  'Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector.  The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: 'God, I thkink you that I am not liek other people - robbers, evildoers, adulterers - or even like this tax collector.  I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.'  But the tax collector stood at a distance.  He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and siad, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.'  I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God.  For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted."

- Luke 18:9-14

"For no person will be justified (made righteous, acquitted, and judged acceptable) in His sight by observing the works prescribed by the Law.  For [the real function of] the Law is to make men recognize and be conscious of sin [not mere perception, but an acquaintance with sin which works toward repentance, faith, and holy character]...[All] are justified and made upright and in right standing with God, freely and gratuitously by His grace (His unmerited favor and mercy), through the redemption which is [provided] in Christ Jesus..."
- Romans 3:20,24 (AMP)

Did you catch all that?  That's some heavy, heavy stuff.  I really don't want to be a Pharisee.  But I think - I know - sometimes I act like one.  

So, what are you telling me here, God?  

Love more.  Love Better.  Love Bigger.  Just Love.

Seriously?  I do love well.  Just ask my kids.  Ask Jordan.  Ask Annie.  Ask Tina.  Ask any of my friends.  I know how to love well.

Love those who you have trouble loving.  Not those who are easy to love.

Sigh.

I know I need to love better.  To love more.  In some instances, just to actually love and not be mean or irritated or hurt or defensive.  Since that time various passages of scripture have really knocked me on the head and in the heart.  They were all related to love, loving better, and loving all (everyone, not only the lovable, not only the likable, not only the lovely, not only those who also loved me, not only those who were "good people"...everyone).

It's really easy to love when someone is lovable.  It's really easy to love when someone treats you well.  It's really easy to love when someone fits the mold of a "nice person."  It's really easy to love when someone loves you back (how you think you should be loved back).  

But what about all the other someones.  The someones who are hard to love.  Maybe even the someones who don't want to be loved.  Maybe the someones who don't deserve to be loved...wait, that's the Pharisee in me talking.  That's hard.  I wish I could tell you that I've fixed this problem of mine.  I wish I could tell you that I've turned the corner and I'm ready to work on something else (that has yet to be revealed to me).  I can't.  It's hard to love when it's hard to love.  My head knows what I need to do.  But this is a matter of the heart.  This isn't a matter of just being obedient and following a rule.  I'm much better at the "thou shalt not kill" sort of commandments.  This one is hard.

I do know this.  I can pray everyday for Christ to fill me with His love so I at least have a fighting chance of loving others the way I need to love them.  Because let's face it - if I'm loving them with my love, I'm still failing.

What do you think - Wanna be a sheep?  Baaaaaa

A Picture Really Is Worth 1,000 Words

As Crystal was sitting at the kitchen table with gobs of arts-and-crafts supplies in front of her she very simply asked to a very pre-occupied mom, "What should I make, Momma?"  To which I very simply and half-brained replied, "Draw a picture of the thing that makes you happiest."

So, she went about her merry way and I went about mine, not paying too much mind to what she was doing.  After all, there were five other children (plus friends) trolling about all vying for my attention in some way or another.  Sometime later she finished (five minutes?  25 minutes?  I have no idea.  Children.  Trolling.  Screaming.  Chasing.  Cooking.  Cleaning.  Homework.) she handed me a folded up piece of white notebook paper and told me she made me a picture of her favorite thing.  Right.  Notebook paper.  Parent code for "not a big deal."  I satisfied her with the "put it at my chair and I'll look at it later.  My hands are busy packing lunches" response.  I'm sure in her little brain she was thinking "Yep, that's what she always says.  Put it at my chair."

Later that night (last night, really) I sat down at my chair to review my to-do list for the next day and make sure my affairs were in order before heading to bed.  I saw her little notebook paper picture folded up in front of me.  I opened it and saw this:

As a few tears started to trickle down my cheek I quickly wiped them and did what never happens in this house.  I went upstairs to wake my sleeping child.  How in the world could 21 hours in the car with me be her favorite thing?  I had no idea.  Absolutely none.  That trip was torturous.  Let me tell you about it before I explain her answer.

Kayla's engagement party was that weekend (just about one year ago to be exact).  I decided at the last minute to go because Jordan was actually home that entire weekend.  Crystal is the best car-rider and pee-holder we have so I decided to take her...mostly to give Jordan one less kid to take care of on his own.  She also doesn't have any diet restrictions like the others so I wouldn't have to worry too much about that.  She can pack her own bags and she sleeps like a champ.  Easy answer.  Crystal's coming with mom.  In the car.  For 8 hours (which due to unforeseen circumstances ended up being 13 hours) on Friday, party Saturday, 8 hours in the car Sunday.  BORING.

Switch gears with me:  I'm up in Crystal's room shaking the snot out of her.  Remember, she's a solid sleeper.  I needed her to wake up.  She looks at me like I'm crazy and then looks scared.  Remember, I NEVER wake my sleeping children.  I sit her up and take her skinny little face in my hands (mostly because her head keeps dropping back down!) and ask her "Why in the world was the super long trip to Pennsylvania your favorite thing?"  She very simply answered "Because I had you all to myself.  Not just for a little bit.  For a long bit."  She then curled back up and appeared to have no further intentions of answering any other questions I may have for her.  As I walked back down the stairs I started thinking.  How in the world could that be your favorite thing.  We went to Disney World.  With our whole family.  We've been to HersheyPark.  With our whole family.  We went to a super water park.  With our whole family.  I took you to NYC to pick out your very first American Girl Doll.  With your sister.  We spent days at a lake house.  With our friends.  We go on walks together - just us.  For 10 minutes.  We have girl talk after the little girls go to bed and your the only girl awake.  Until a brother interrupts us.  We went to Washington DC.  With your best friend and brothers.  I gave up my career so I could spend all the time I have with you.  And with your siblings and your dad and my chores.  We do lots of fun and exciting things together.  But not just us and not for long periods of time.

One of the hard things about having a lot of children and having a husband whose job demands so much of his time is that it leaves very little (so very, very little) time for one-on-one parental attention, not to mention time for us to keep dating (please keep your "this is why people should only have two kids" comments to yourself, thank you).  I try my hardest to carve out little smidgens of time where my eyes are ears are focused only on only one kid at a time.  It's tough.  It's really tough.  I've heard so many arguments about the quality time vs. quantity of time you spend with your kids.  What I've been learning and what this confirmed is that...they need both!  As further confirmation (crazy how our God works!) I came across this article posted by a friend while I was in the middle of writing this blog:

http://drjamesdobson.org/articles/parenting-june2011/90-sec-commentaries/quality-quantity

This is an area where I know I need to constantly and consistently be intentional.  I fail so many times and miss so many great opportunities because other things beckon to me.  It's not just other kids.  It's housework, dinner, dishes, bills, dogs, friends, family, rest, etc.  The kids have never ever complained that I don't spend enough time with them.  I think they see that I try.  I think they see that they are important to me.  But, after seeing a little glimpse into the heart of my daughter, I know they need and want and deserve even more.

Your take-away:  try to carve out both quality and quantity time with your kids and see if it even further fills their little love tanks <3

We Are That Family

Yes, it's true.  We are that family.  You know, the weird ones.  Come on, you know exactly what I mean.  Everyone has "that family" in their neighborhood, at their school, or in their church.  Maybe even in their  extended family.  Somehow, I'm pretty sure we're "that family" in all those domains of our life some way or another.  But guess what?

I don't give a flying fig. 

(bonus points to the first person who can tell me where I got this catchy little phrase)

I can't say that if we had a traditionally built family we'd be this, well, odd.  Maybe it wouldn't mean as much to me to be "that family."  Maybe it would have.  Who knows.  Regardless, when our children (all six) came into our lives I instantly went into "they-need-to-know-what-a-real-family-looks-like" mode.  I didn't want their perception of family to be filled with memories being alone, abandoned, unloved, or unwanted, which is exactly what their perception was at that time.

We know that some of you are "those families" out there too.  Know that we appreciate you.  When our kids see your families it only drives our points home.  It also shows them that we're not the only weird ones :)

Note:  If you're easily offended stop reading now.  If you're easily offended but can see past what I'm about to suggest given our family's circumstances, by all means continue onward.  I in absolutely no way intend to discredit, point my finger at, or disapprove of anyone's family structures, routines, or overall operations.  This is my point of view, my observations, and my musings from my family.

Enough of the chatter.  On to my mission of:  Here's what OUR family is.

We're that family because we eat together.  At the dinner table (what?!?).  Every meal.  Every day (except for school of course).  No TV (now you're just crazy).  If we have to eat dinner at 4:30 so we can eat together.  Perfect.  If we have a wait until 6:30 until the boys are home from soccer.  No problem.  If your friends are here they can eat too.  No problem at all.  I'd LOVE the chance to hear what your friends have to say and include them in our life.  Here.  At my table.  Along with the fact that Jordan works hard for our money and I work hard to cook wholesome meals, I LOVE dinner time with my kids.  I love the conversation that happens.  I love the story-telling.  I love the problem-solving that the kids provide to each other.  I love the prayer requests that get offered.  I love hearing about their day, their problems, their successes, and their lives.  I love looking at all my little birds.   I hate the fighting and arguing but we're getting better at that.  After all, we are a family :)  By the way, we always have two choices for dinner:  eat it now or eat it later.  I don't cook separate meals for separate kids.  Ever.  Unless you are sick or dying.

We're that family because we have one common TV and that TV has lots of rules.  No TV in kids' bedrooms.  No kids using the guest room TV.  No TV during the day.  No TV-14, no PG-13.  If my kids are going to watch TV, I want to know exactly what they are watching AND I want to watch it with them.  I want to know what they are taking away from what enters their eyes and ears.  I want to point out better solutions to TV drama problems (like should Jessie tell her friend she lied or try to hide it - shoot me).  As far as the television goes, we don't even let the kids watch TV until after dinner and showers...and the occasional soccer game or Penn State game on the weekends.  We have family (all of us) movie days sometimes too.    I don't care if all your friends watch TV-14 shows and PG-13 movies.  I don't care if you're missing out on trashy music videos.  Hate me.  I still love you. (By the way, it was super oh so hard to train my kids to not ask for or desire the TV.  But it's possible.  You'd be surprised at how creative they get when there is nothing to distract them.)  I'd much rather them fight together and learn to communicate effectively (and sometimes ineffectively)  then look like zombies in front of the TV and not communicate at all.

We're that family because we have no video game system.  What?!  Are you serious?  Yes.  Dead serious.  I hate video games.  I hate how addicting they are.  I hate that they take the reality out of shooting people.  I hate how kids fight over them.  I hate how they become a bargaining tool for behavior and grades.  So, you got an A on your test?  Here, go play a video game and get out of my hair (when deep down all the kid wants is your attention anyway).  No, I don't think video games are the devil.  Maybe his spawn, though.  Yes, my kids have played video games at friends' houses but I encourage them to stay away from shoot-em-ups.  Maybe one day we'll have one.  Maybe not.  For now, we're that family.  Let's play together.

We're that family because my kids don't have cell phones, ipods, ipads, whatever you call them.  There is no reason my children need to text anyone.  There is no reason my children need to access the internet on a device I cannot see what they are accessing.  There is no reason my child needs a phone because if they are somewhere and I don't know where they are - they are probably dead anyway.  When the need for a cell phone arises we'll deal with it then...jobs, driver's license, etc.  Until then if you want to talk to them, call our house or my phone.  I also don't want my child's face staring at a screen for hours at a time playing some candy crush game or solitaire.  We have about 85 decks of cards.  Go get one.

We're that family because my kids have chores.  Regular chores.  Every day.  A decent number of them too by "today's standards."  They are responsible for cleaning their own bathrooms.  They are responsible for bringing me their hamper when they need clothes (you run out of underwear or socks, to bad so sad), for folding them, and for putting them away.  Amanda started when she was four.  She's quite capable.  (Learning Moment:  one day she didn't bring her hamper in time.  She looked so funny running around in Brea's size 6 panties when her little hiney buns were is size 2-3.  But guess what - it only happen once.)  They set the table, do the trash, cut the grass, wash the windows, walk the dogs, etc.  Hear me loudly:  they are not my little chore children.  They are part of our family.  Families work together.  We do chores together.  Then, we rest together and play together.  Families do life together.  

We're that family because we don't do sleepovers and go-play-anywhere-in-the-neighborhood-just-get-out-of-my-hair-please.  Bottom line:  the world is getting uglier and uglier by the day.  I just don't trust people when it comes to my kids.  They have endured so much hurt and I have no intention of that being repeated in any shape or form.  There are a very, and I mean very small few of you who have ever had my kids in your house without me present.  That number grows even smaller for having my children sleep there.  Please, no offense at all if you don't see my kids in your house.  Really.  And, if you have, well, then you rank among the angels :)  Plus, I love having my birds here in the nest.  The things kids can hear, see, and find on unsupervised internet, electronic devices, and literature baffles me.  Play here.  Be loud.  Make a mess (but you better clean it up properly or I'll put you and your toys in time out).

We're that family because we go places together.  We grocery shop together.  It's actually fun because the kids enjoy it (see, I told you we're strange).  We run errands together.  I give out lists to the big kids and they take a little kid with them.  We work together.  As a family.  We go out to dinner together.  And you know what?  My kids behave...because I expect them too.  When we have extra time and money I want to enjoy both of them as a family...together.  We vacation together.  I want to take vacations with my children, not from my children.  I'll be the first to say it.  There are moments, hours, days even where they drive me absolutely batty.  Like poke-my-eyeballs-out-where-is-a-glass-of-wine-batty.  But I wouldn't trade my time with them for all the battiness in the world.  

We're that family because we support each other's endeavors.  I don't care if you've watched six hours of a ballet recital.  You're staying to finish the remaining two.  I don't care if you've seen every soccer game your brother has ever played in - you'll keep cheering him on...with the right attitude.  I don't care if baseball games seem like they drag on for ages and the sand fleas are biting your legs - you'll live.  Families support each other.  Families are there for each other.  I think there is great benefit in learning to be happy for others, for putting your interests aside for the benefit of someone else, and for simply being patient.  Talk is cheap.  I always tell my children that you can tell someone you love them.  But you know it's genuine when you show them.  Sacrifice for those you love.

"Little children, let us not love with word and with tongue, but in deed and truth."

- 1 John 3:18

We are that family because we love God.  We pray together before we eat together.  We teach our children to pray aloud for themselves and for others.  We go to church and sit in a pew as a family.  Sure, your friends may be right behind us but we sit together.  We praise God when we're on a high and we make the conscious effort to still praise Him when we're low.  We talk about what God has done and what He can do.  We talk a lot about loving others.  No matter what lifestyle choices they make.  Do we set healthy boundaries?  Absolutely.  Do we turn to scripture to understand what lifestyle choices God wants us to make?  We sure do.  But we try (and still fail all the time) to genuinely love others with our words and our actions.  We also try to love God first in all the choices we make and are trying to teach our kids to do that too.

" 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.'  This is the great and foremost commandment.  The second is like it, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' "

- Matthew 22: 37-39

We're that family because we're not perfect.  Refer to the beginning.  Maybe we're too much family.  I don't know.  But at the end of the day I want my kids to know that I want them.  That they are valued.  That they are treasured.  That this family is not complete without them...and neither is my heart.

Maybe I'm not preparing them "for the world."  I don't know that either.  What I do know is that I'm preparing them for eternity.  That's what matters to me.   I fail everyday.  They do too.  We proudly claim our new mercies every morning and start fresh.  After a cup of coffee, of course :)

What is your take-away (besides the fact that the Ames are happily strange?)?  It is this:  whatever rhythm works for your family, to keep you together as a family, to build each other up - find it and settle in it.  Just make sure you do it as a family for your family.  I can't imagine I will ever look back on my life and think "Gee, I wish I would have spent less time with my family."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQ71RWJhS_M

Six Is More Than Four

It's true.  Six is really more than four.  When they come in larger packages (read:  bodies) six seems like so much more than four. 

Benjamin and Samuel eat as much food as the little four kids combined.

I buy more.

 Benjamin and Samuel generate just about as much laundry as the little four do combined. 

I wash it.

Benjamin and Samuel generate twice as much dirt, dust, sweat, and sand as the little four do.

I clean it.

Benjamin and Samuel have more than twice the amount of emotions and hormones.

I talk them through it (awkwardly at time!)

Benjamin and Samuel generate twice as much noise as the little four do (99% of this is Benjamin).

I try my best to tolerate it.

Benjamin and Samuel are here and they are mine.

I love it.

It has been so long since my last post because, well, six is really more than four (I actually started this post in March - haha).  All of the quiet moments at night after the little fou went to bed that I could sneak in a blog post, a favorite book, a bubble bath, or NCIS has been spent in "teen time."  I have been working diligently to learn and know the hearts of my new boys.  I have spent countless hours just sitting with them on the couch watching soccer (kill me) waiting for them to let me catch a glimpse of their heart.  Wouldn't you believe it, the more time you spend with your kids on their level the more they actually will open up to you and let you into their lives.  Over the past 10 (Holy Cow) months we have settled into a pretty good rhythm as a family.  Initially (read: the first 6 months or so) we had some pretty big hurdles to overcome that were just riddled with hurt, anguish, grief, and loss, and confusion.  As kids tend to be, the boys proved to be just as resilient as the little four and as God always is, He proved to be faithful to redeem hurts and hearts.  The four little kids adore their big brothers and they adore the little kids.  Benjamin and Samuel have been especially good for my Joseph.  They are definitely positive role models in his life.  Of course, Amanda has them both wrapped around her little finger.

We had a fantastic summer.  If we were not on a vacation or adventure then we were hosting someone here.  Seriously.  Out of 101 summer days, 76 of them were spent vacationing or hosting.  Those in between days were spent packing, unpacking, or changing linens.  Though it exhausted me to the core I would do it again and plan to next summer :)  My house direly needs some one-on-one attention in every corner of every room (can you believe it, I am now at the point where I can put off house work to enjoy life...but only for a short time...then the Type-A Sarah we all know kicks back into gear).  But, the kids had a blast, I had a blast, and we were able to spend some much needed time with Jordan.  I loved spending so much time with the kids.  If it weren't for the brain in my head I'd consider homeschooling them so I can see them every hour of every day (note:  this is NOT a knock at any homeschooling mama...only my self-imposed inability to properly educate all of them).

Enter:  deployment and school

Jordan left about three weeks ago (we miss you more and more and more each day, my dear), summer ended, and school started last week.  Add on:  soccer, youth group, gymnastics, jazz, tap, and lyrical.  Can you say adjustment period?  We are working on finding our new normal but are quite far away from it at this point.  My dear husband has allowed me to have a nanny who started with us at the start of the school year.  I had been praying and calculating how I would ever cart these kids everywhere the need to be while still maintaining our home and relationships with each other.  Plus, you all know me.  I don't trust anyone with my angels.  How in the world would I ever find an energetic, trustworthy, flexible, God-fearing nanny whom I could trust with my treasures.  Mentioning it in casual conversation to a friend God provided the perfect person.  Rebekah has already been a huge blessing to all of us.  We love her dearly and I love how she loves us too.

The four little kids are doing so well.  I am so proud of them.  I am so proud of all six of them.  I am so grateful to God that He chose me to be their mother.  There are many moments when I don't feel worthy of such a calling...until I remember He is the one who called me to this.  If God has faith in me then He will equip me and stand by me.  For this, too, I am grateful.

I have learned so many things and have so much more to blog about.  But, it's teen time...to the couch I go...and, I already checked.  Soccer isn't on tonight :)

Making The Choice To Love

(Note:  This wasn't meant to be my next blog.  I just really felt compelled to write it.  Almost as if someone (perhaps me) needed to read it.)

My dad is a man of very little words.  Very little.  I never remember having long talks with him.  I never remember sitting up late at night and talking about life and love.  I still don't.  But that doesn't mean he didn't teach me a lot about life and about loving.  Some of my biggest lessons on life and love were by watching my dad live and love those in it.  He didn't have to say much to teach much...instead he did much.  When he did say something, though, I knew I had better listen.

Enter:  A Lesson from Dad

It was summer of 2006.  I was pretty high on life at the time.  I was in grad school living in a cozy little apartment with my best friend, Annie.  I had a fantastic group of friends, great grades, a good job, and a new boyfriend (Jordan).

I remember sitting with Annie on the front porch one afternoon when the mail truck came.  It actually stopped at our apartment (weird) and delivered mail to me (even weirder).  It was a letter from my dad (even weirder yet) addressed to me in his own handwriting (okay, he must be dying).  Usually the "Happy Birthday daughter cards" and the "we miss you cards" were written and signed by my mom from my dad.  Hmm.  Strange.

Confused and slightly worried I open the letter to find only a church bulletin and a note that read something along the lines of:  "Sukies, Thought you could use this.  Love, Papas"

In the bulletin were the notes my dad had taken on the sermon that week titled "Valuing Love."  I read it, tucked it back in the envelope and put it in my keepsakes box.

Maybe my dad believed me when I told him I was going to marry Jordan.  Maybe not.  I don't know why he mailed it.  Of course, we never talked about it :)

All I know is that I still have it, still refer to it, and still use the wisdom from that sermon (Thanks, Gordy!) every single day of my life.

It's not easy being married to a Marine.  It's even harder being married to a Marine who works hard to set the example he expects from those he leads.  It's even harder yet to be married to a Marine who is deployed or away at training nearly half of the time.  You know what, it's not always easy being married.  Period. Two imperfect, flawed people get married and expect to have a perfect, flawless marriage.  Right.

It's not easy being an adoptive mother.  It's even harder being a mother when you're not your children's only mother that they remember.  You know what, it's not always easy being a mother.  Period.  No matter how your children come to you, it's not always easy being a mother.

Here are the pictures of that sermon outline that clearly defines what love is:

Is it easy to love my husband when our opinions differ?  No.  But my love for him is not just the feeling that I'm feeling in that moment.  Is it easy to love my husband when I can't see him for six months of the year.  Not always.  But my love for him is a choice.  Is it easy to love my  husband when I'm angry.  No.  But my love for him is not uncontrollable, it's a matter of conduct.  I can choose to love him despite external and internal circumstances.  I must choose to love him despite external and internal circumstances.

Is it easy to love my children when they repeat the same behavior over and over (and over) again?  Not at all.  But my love for them must be patient.  Is it easy to love my children when the baggage of their past weighs us both down?  Heavens no.  But my love for them doesn't quit.  Is it easy to love my children when I'm tired and worn but they still need me to be their momma?  Nope.  But my love for them cannot be selfish.  I must choose to love them despite external and internal circumstances.

Despite whatever I am feeling or despite however they behave I will choose to love my husband and children.  Do I always succeed?  No.  There have been many times where my feelings have gotten in the way of my love for them.  But, my mercies are new every morning.  I pray for God's love to fill me so I can fill them.  I pray that I can continue to choose to love them despite any feeling, situation, or obstacle that comes our way.  I pray that I can continue to love them and they can see that love.  I pray that I can choose to love everyone I meet.  I'm a long way from that but I'm working on it.

Keep loving, my friends.  Love when you're tired.  Love when you're worn.  Love when you're angry.  Love when you're hurt.  Love when you're confused.  Love with a love that doesn't come from us.  Love with a love from the one who loves us best.