The Journey of My Heart

This (long) post is meant to encourage and uplift anyone who has been down a similar path as the many I've traveled this past 18 months.  Perhaps one of these titles relates to you now, perhaps it did before, or perhaps it will in the future.  Nevertheless, there is something to be learned from each of these:


Foster Mother - I thought the children that were coming into our home were going to be legally ours in a matter of months.  Little did I know the process would take much longer, leaving an ache and a fear in my heart for over a year.  I wasn't able to live in the freedom of making choices for my children without getting permission from people who barely knew them.
Adoptive Mother - Once the parental rights were terminated, the reality that these children will truly  be mine resonated in my mind and soul...in so many different ways.
Adoptive Mother of Older Children - I will admit it; there is a good bit of grief and loss in not having a child to raise since infancy. 
Mother - The day-to-day responsibilities of raising four children all very close in age has its joys and its challenges...often all in the same day!
Mother of special needs children - We were told and so expected that the children coming to us were all healthy and happy.  Shortly after joining our family we learned that Brea has many specials needs that require constant therapy and medical attention and Joseph has mental health and behavioral needs that require intense therapy and supernatural patience.  These realizations made my heart heavy for my children.  Heavy because no one identified these before now and heavy because every mother truly wants her child to be perfectly healthy and happy, having every opportunity available to them.
Mother of multiples - Although my children are not the same age, they were all "born" to me at the same time.  I had four emotional infants to care for at the same time.
Wife of a Marine - The needs of the Corps supercede all.  I fully understand this, respect this, and never complain about this (after all, I married the Marine!).  However, having a husband who is an Infantry Officer often leaves us to manage on our own which tires the heck out of a mom and leaves a wife longing for her husband and best friend.  A Marine wife is expected to keep all aspects of the home running and must know about all aspects of the home as her husband is often gone for long lengths of time.  The weight of this responsibility can be heavy.  That being said, every time I see all the that Marines and other service members do for our country and community I tear up with pride.
Wife - A (stay-at-home) wife is still often responsible for making and maintaining appointments, keeping the house clean and organized, keeping food on the table, and keeping all the mountains of laundry clean.  It can become monotonous at times and down right boring!
Happily working full-time professional turned to stay-at-home mother - Basically overnight I went from a working professional who adored (and still does) her job to a stay-at-home mom...talk about a change in roles.  I had a job where I went to school for six years plus had a 9 month fellowship to learn the necessary theory and practice to complete the job.  There are tried and true methods to diagnosing and treating patients.  Oh wait, something new comes up, no problem, look it up.  You forget the name of a nerve, no problem, get out the books, phone a friend, or ask the doc.  Now I have a job where you don't take "Mother classes."  Every situation is completely different and new.  There are no "Mother manuals" or "Mother hotlines."  You're expected to know what to do, right away, everytime...and have well-behaved, always clean, loving sweet children...right?!?!
Longing for family and friends - Between State College and Harrisburg I had a great circle of friends and family.  Seeing them at church, outside during a walk, or having them pop by the house filled a void that I had once we moved.  Moving twice within one year made making and keeping friends a real trial.  I am so thankful for phones, email, and webcams...and I'm also so thankful for the sacrifices many of you have made to visit regularly, send treats, make dinners, do chores, and offer encouragement in many different ways.  You kept me going.

Let me preface the meat of this post:  I love my children.  I had no idea there was a love this great.  I would cut my living, beating heart out of my very chest if one of my children needed it.  I poured my entire being into them and will continue to do so, but in a very different way now.  My eyes were opened by His mercy and grace.  I came to the realization that my priorities were off balance.  Sorely off balance.

I couldn't understand why I felt so off...so empty.

When I looked around I could see that my children were thriving.  They were growing in leaps and bounds in every aspect of their life.  Yes, they were thriving.  This should be enough, right?  Isn't this what every mother wants?  Yes, yes, it must be.  Keep going, Sarah.  Keep doing what you're doing.  The kids are great.  The house is spotless.  Your husband's lunch is always packed.  The laundry is always folded and put away.  The bills are paid - on time.  You've cooked a dinner for church.  The dog is groomed.  Your rose bushes look fanstastic.  You volunteer at school.  The pantry is full.

But then why, why am I so empty?

Because I was only surviving.  I'm was not thriving.  From day the day children moved into our home and life I can see now that I became robot-like.  I went through the motions, rather well I might add, and I did what needed to be done no matter how tired or how lonely I was.

I focused so much on the various needs of the children: take them to appointments, change their diet, get them on a schedule, keep them clean, go to therapy, sign up for gymnastics, practice karate, read lots of books, practice reading and writing.  It was hard.  So hard.  Looking back I don't know how I did it.  I was virtually a single mother caring for four new, needy children.  They were so wild and out of control when they first came.  There were grand-mal seizure-sized tantrums, behaviors I didn't even know existed, diagnoses I was unfamiliar with, in children I was only getting to know.  All the while I was dealing with the various grief, loss, and unexpected expectations I listed above.  I was on turbo speed making sure that each and every single need of theirs was met.  And met as perfectly as I could meet it.  After all, every good mother puts the needs of her children above herself, doesn't she?

 I was also focused on being the best Marine-wife and wife that I could be:  Don't complain about Jordan's schedule, have a hot meal ready, don't complain about Jordan's schedule, clean the uniform, don't complain about Jordan's scheduled, go to those ridiculous meetings, don't complain about Jordan's schedule, pack the lunch...and still get dressed, do my hair, and put on make-up every single day!  I did my best to make sure the needs of my husband were met.  And met as perfectly as I could meet them.   After all, every officer's wife has to look good and behave well all the time, doesn't she?

I focused so much on being the great stay-at-home mom/wife that I could be.  This was my "new job."  It's important to do your job and do it well:  cut the grass, take out the trash, scrub the baseboards, wash the windows, steam-clean the furniture, wax the floor.  I intended to give my home the same attention I gave my patients when I was at work.  The only problem was I was at work 8-9 hours/day and left work when I left the building.  I never left my home.  Ever...save the weekly trip to the grocery store or to stop by the kids' school.  After all, every stay-at-home mom sacrifices her needs for the needs of her house (not home), doesn't she?

I am ashamed, very ashamed to say that it took a rude awakening to bring me back where I belonged...on my knees.

You see, friends, I was so focused on being the woman the world thought I should be that I forgot who I truly am: 
- I am the daughter of God (not of this world):  "Yet to all who did receive Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God"  - John 1:12
- I am friend of Jesus (I am not alone, not ever):  "I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his mater's business.  Instead, I have called you friends, for everythingthat i learned from my Father I have made known to you."  - John 15:15
- I am alive (not a robot):  "But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in trangressions - it is by grace you have been saved."  - Ephesians 2:5
- I am good enough (no matter what others think):  Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..."  - Romans 8:1
- I am forgiven (when I fail others, fail myself, and fail my God):  In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace" - Ephesians 1:7
- I have enough (no matter how full my pantry is):  "And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus."  - Philippians 4:19
- I am not doing this alone (no matter how many appointments are jammed into a day):  "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28
- I have power in Him (regardless of how the world sees me):  "For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline." - 2 Timothy 1:7
- I have peace (even amidst the chaos of life): "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  - Philippians 4:7
- I am not navigating this life alone (He is in control):  "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11
- I am loved (always loved, without fail):  "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." - Lamentations 3:22-23

I was reminded that God is to be my focus.  My eyes need to remain on Him and my heart needs to remain in Him. 

I thought I was doing fine.  Like I said, my children, husband, and home were thriving.  We went to church every Sunday, I said my prayers every day, I read my Bible (rather) faithfully, and I did devotions with the kids.  The problem was He didn't have all of me.  My priorities looked like this:
1. kids
2. husband
3. house/others
4. God

Instead of this:
1. God
2. husband
3. kids
4. house/others

I was trying so hard to be the Proverbs 31 woman.  However, I somehow managed to leave out verse 30 "...But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised."

Over the past couple months I've made a conscious effort to realign myself in the way God intended it.  Let me tell you, friends, it takes a true conscious effort.  There are so many distractions and excuses in this world.  It's the way of the world...it's the way of the enemy.  Please understand this:  good things can still distract you from Him.  That's the trap I fell into.  Everything I did I could justify.  I could very easily justify it.  I truly believe the enemy was using this to distract me from loving on my God the He wants us to love on Him. 

I lived like this for a year. 

I am so thankful, so very grateful for the mercy he showered (and I mean thunderstorm-type showers) on me.  Our God is full of grace, mercy, and compassion.  He knew what I needed and he provided it...without me asking for it.  I look over the past year and all I can do know is shake my head and praise My God.  I wish I could cut open my chest and you could see my heart.  It is singing again.  It is singing loudly, clearly, and boldly.

You can have this, too.  God is so ready to welcome you with open, loving arms.  He is all you need.  He has all you need.  Whatever you are facing, you don't need to face it in fear or face it alone.  He has joy, He has peace, He has love, He has patience...He has so much...and its all for us.  All we have to do is ask.  Please let me know if you don't know where to start or how to start.  I certainly don't have all the answers, but I know lots of folks who do.  And I know where they are all found.  If you don't have a Bible, message me.  I'll mail one to you.  Honest, I will.

I apologize for such a long post but it has been such a long journey.  Praise Him.