A Birthday Is A Good Time

This year I feel particularly subdued on my birthday.  Ever since May (surgery) God has completely shifted my sight.  I thought I was focusing on important things.  And really, to a large degree I was.  But I still had so much of my focus where it didn't need to be...on myself and on the things of this world (stuff).

Since May I've worked particularly hard at ridding myself of some nasty unforgiving baggage I was carrying around along with that dreaded "busy-badge" us women like to wear.  I've worked hard on shifting the position of my heart so I can more readily, willingly, and easily choose love, patience, grace, and forgiveness...despite what my flesh felt.  And don't you know, when you pray for the very things God wants you to have, he gives them to you even more abundantly than you could imagine.

On this birthday instead of solely focusing on my past year (my past life, really), I have decided to focus on my next year (and years, hopefully!)  I mean really, who wants to be remembered and who wants to remember about what they did.  For some of us that can be ugly at times, can't it?  I'd like to focus on what I can do...what I will do...what I have the potential to do.  You see when we focus on moving forward, on the path set before us, it inspires to keep moving.  In turn, when we focus on the path behind us (whether or not it was filled with great things or not-so-great things) we have the tendency to dwell on the ugly or, even worse, to feel proud for what we've accomplished.  Both of those things sorely impact our ability to "run with endurance the race that is set before us."  We can't run a race with endurance if we're too caught up in looking behind us.

So this year (my 29th year...again!), I am going to be even more intentional about the path set before me.  About the opportunities in front of me.  About the people who need loving.  About the kids who need mothering.  About the orphans who need feeding.  About the homeless who need clothing.  About the examples that need setting.  About the wrongs that need righting.  And, about my Jesus who does the saving.

Who is with me?  We have so many chances IN FRONT OF US to love others, to make a difference.  Forget about the ones you've missed.  Forget about the ones you didn't miss.  Focus on the ones you have before you.

"...let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin that so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us..."

- Hebrews 12:1

The Safest Place

October 25, 2015—The sermon at church (North Highlands Assembly of God, Columbus, GA) today was titled “Trust:  When I am afraid, I will trust!”  The scripture reference was Psalm 56: 3-4.  Which says, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.  In God, whose word I praise—in God I trust and am not afraid.  What can mere mortals do to me?”  After reviewing the sermon outline before the service, I looked these verses up and remembered immediately how God spoke to me with these verses before my deployment to Iraq in 2005.  With these verses, he comforted me and helped me to put my trust in him throughout the dangers and fear I was sure to face.  I am no war hero and I know many others have experience in much more danger in war than I have but I hope you will be able to understand how God can grant you courage to overcome any fear through the short story below.

                I deployed to Iraq in August of 2005 and returned in February of 2006.  During this period, the counterinsurgency fight was raging and the insurgents’ most successful weapon against the coalition forces was the “roadside bomb.”  This bomb was an improvised explosive device (IED) placed along roads to engage coalition forces whether primed for victim initiation (triggered by the targeted vehicle or individual) or command initiation (triggered by the insurgents).  I drove a HMMWV for my platoon so you can imagine that having one of these explode on my vehicle or one in my platoon was a concern.  Since we conducted most of our operations at night, and relied on speed, surprise, and violence of action to give us a tactical advantage over our enemy, we never moved slowly enough to find IEDs along our routes.  This made us somewhat vulnerable to that threat.

                Before our first mission, members of my platoon began a practice in faith that continued through the entire deployment—we prayed together before loading up for each mission.  We not only prayed for our safety, we prayed that God would grant us victory over our enemies in the same manner that David prayed in Psalm 56 and many other psalms as well for many different situations.  I also know that there were many others on the home front that were praying with us.  I can also a test that I was never alone when I prayed.  There was always at least one other member of my platoon or a dozen members.  In Matthew 18:19-20, Jesus said, ‘Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.  For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.’  Those prayers of faith that God is for us and not against us gave us the courage to face dangers and fears over which we had little control.  Another verse that brought us confidence in the power of God is James 5:16, “The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.”  When we departed the safety of our bases to confront the enemy, we were already the victors.

                About halfway through that deployment, I received a letter from a faithful, praying woman, Laura Eitland, from my home church in Hummelstown, Pennsylvania—Caring Community Church of God.  In the letter, she referenced the passage from 2 Kings 6 where Elisha told his servant to not be afraid of the Aramean army that was surrounding the city.

‘Go, find out where he is,’ the king, [Aramean king] ordered, ‘so I can send men and capture him, [Elisha].’  The report came back:  ‘He is in Dothan.’  Then he sent horses and chariots and a strong force there.  They went by night and surrounded the city.

                When the servant of [Elisha,] the man of God got up and went out early the next morning, an army with horses and chariots had surrounded the city.  ‘Oh no, my lord!  What shall we do?’ the servant asked.

                ‘Don’t be afraid,’ [Elisha,] the prophet answered.  ‘Those who are with us are more than those who are with them.’

                And Elisha prayed, ‘Open his eyes, LORD, so that he may see.’  Then the LORD opened the servant’s eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.

2 Kings 6:13-17

(Read 2 Kings 6: 8-23 for the full story)

This passage helped me to visualize the awesome power of God that was protecting us and going forth before us to grant us the victory we asked for.  I was comforted by the image in my mind of “chariots of fire” from the armies of God protecting the flanks of our convoys and moving out ahead of us to clear the way of any IEDs and to succumb our enemies to our will before we ever arrived on site.

Throughout six months of combat operations in Iraq where we conducted over 80 direct action raids on known and suspected insurgent locations, we did not hit one IED.  That is not a coincidence.  During a period where that was the number one killer of coalition forces and which we conducted missions with the sole objective to counter the IED threat, we were not exposed to even one.  Not: ‘we hit several but were fortunate to not have any casualties.’  No!  We did not even hit one.  Not one!  My faith tells me that the “chariots of fire” solved that problem for us.  (Thank you, Laura, for praying that Scripture over us and giving me that perspective of the power of God.)

I hope as you read this short story that you have gained confidence in your faith in God and his mighty power.  We cannot comprehend his power and so that inability to comprehend leads us to lack confidence in it.  I believe he just wants us to take that small step of faith in trusting in him.  That is all he is waiting on to pour out his power in our lives.  He just wants us to trust him.  Like we trust in any intimate relationship whether it is with our spouse or a close friend or family member, he wants our trust.  However, to trust, there must be something that we cannot control.  We all have many things that we cannot control.  He wants to take that control for us.  First, we must trust him.

Prior to that deployment to Iraq, I made a poster board with all the men of my platoon on it and left it with my church who committed to praying for the platoon as a whole and each individual.  In the center of the poster, I wrote a quote from an anonymous source that I saw in an Our Daily Bread devotional months before.  The quote was this:  ‘The safest place to be is not in the absence of danger, but in the will of God.’  That is where I want to be.

 

-Posted by Jordan

Hate the sin, Love the sinner

Please don't misconstrue this message.  I am 110%, all the way, without a shadow of a doubt, no second thoughts, always will be pro-life.

However, when I read this brief statement written by a Catholic Nun it cause me to stop and pause.  To stop and think.  To turn to God.

I have six children.  Children who all experienced more pain, trauma, loss, and hurt than any child should EVER have to face but sadly many do.  They were all born.  They were all "given" life.  Born to mothers who either loved themselves more than the children they bore or mothers who didn't give a second thought to how she would provide (or not provide) for the children she bore.  Children whose mothers didn't know about grace and mercy and redemption.  Children who were hungry.  Children who were cold.  Children who were hot.  Children who were thirsty.  Children who were dirty.  Children who were uneducated.  Children who were loved only by a Father they couldn't see and a Father they didn't trust.  Children whose mothers we thank God for regularly for choosing to give them life.

There is no denying I have a heart for the orphan.  That is my calling in life, of this I am sure.  So why would I want more of them on this earth?  Why would I want to see kids suffer the same hurt, sometimes over their entire lifetime, that my kids have suffered?  Why would I want these mothers to bear their children, unable to care for them, or more sadly, unwilling to care for them.

Redemption.

Simple.  That is God's plan for all of us.  To call us from a place without Him to a place with Him.

The Bible...Jesus...calls us to care for the orphans.  As Christians, that is one of our duties.  Through Christ's love in us, the orphan can learn of God's great grace, mercy, and love.  The orphan can change his or her course in life and in turn change the course of life for others.  The change started in one child...in one family...can affect so, so many.  Perhaps physical adoption isn't for you.  But adoption through sponsorship can be.  Please ask me about it if you can come up with $30-$50 extra dollars a month.  That's one manicure or pedicure.  That's one meal out.  That's a trip to the movies.  That's one Starbucks a week.  Your impact can be felt for generations.

But folks, I'm not only talking about redemption of the kids here.  I'm talking about the redemption of us adults.  We can learn so much through the changing heart of an orphaned child.  We can learn so much about trust, love, and acceptance by watching our children experience it.  We can learn so much about God's great and never-ending love, mercy and grace by giving it.

I guess that's why I am so upset by all the hateful posts, tweets and threads going around lately.  God has so strongly convicted me that we need to hate the sin and love the sinner.  That also means hating our own sin, too.  That's hard.  Sometimes we downplay our sin because it's "not as bad" as killing a baby or being in a homosexual relationship.  It's not as bad as as defiling children.  It's not as bad as murdering someone.

Newflash:  God hates ALL sin and LOVES all sinners.

I don't write this to give you free pass.  We can't love God and ignore His teachings and commands.  We can't. We all need God and his grace and mercy.  Every single one of us.

You had an abortion?  God loves you.  You cheated on your wife?  God loves you.  You embezzled your company's money?  God loves you.  You are a drug-addicted drunkard?  God loves you.  You are a habitual liar?  God loves you.  You are proud at heart?  God loves you.  You have hate in your heart?  God loves you.

Turn to Him.  Let Him heal you.  Let His great grace and mercy wash over you.  He's waiting...always waiting.  He wants you.  He desires you.  He loves you...and everyone else.  Love them too.  You may be the only taste of Christ another person may have.

Our Youth Pastor, Aaron Holman, created this image and I absolutely love it.  Can you see your weakness and your sin?  It's okay.  He loves you so much he died for you.  He died for us...all of us.  Go to Him and live.

Come To Jesus

Gwendolyn's Story

Over the course of this journey Tina and I have had the absolute privilege of getting to know Elijah's mother, Gwendolyn.  Below, she tells her story...from a mother's prospective.  I can't imagine having to walk through this with one of my children.  Gwendolyn is a true pillar of strength.  Tina and I are blessed because of her and love every picture and update she sends us of sweet Elijah.  Read her very own words below and be blessed:

Today is the day I thought I would sit down and write some of my thoughts down about this traumatic experience my son my kids our donor and her family have went through in such short time that will be forever engraved in our hearts and minds. After a 15 hour labor and 5 hours of constant pushing the birth of my little man Elijah Kweku Tsawo finally occurred June 25. With immediate attention the doctors knew something was wrong. Test after test and even leaving the hospital nothing was set in stone with what his condition was we knew jaundice and we knew it was different from the jaundice my other children had.        

On our journey back to the states for Hawaii felt doing a biopsy on such a small child would be extreme I knew I had to do more. Every doctor any doctor please hear my cry and one did Dr. Mesra ga. From Greenville N.C. he listened ordered biopsy which left us here. Biliary Atresia or B.A. as most living through it calls it…either way it was new to my family and we were not inviting it in! After the first biopsy was returned incomplete I was told we have to go back in but while in if we can save the liver we will with a procedure called the Kasai which would try to relieve the toxins from the liver that are now taking over my babies body. It did save us some time but while in the doctor informed me it was worse than expected and we would have to do a liver transplant. Not only was my heart screaming my head and my mouth was also. Exhaustion anxiety loss of appetite came flooding over me. As I walked to recovery to now see my little man I knew I had to pull it together and get ready to see the bravest baby I know. It wasn’t over again this was only to by us time until we can get a liver for donation.

                  To shortened the story the day has come , three dry runs( when ur called to arrive at Duke they have a liver for you and it turns out they can’t use it either too damaged too large) a quiet two and half hour drive alone keeping positive thoughts praying to God! Let this be Elijah’s liver! Let there be no more dry runs Lord! lets pray that this Donor is a match for my baby !lets pray that this Donor is a match for my baby!  I use caps  cause She deserves it!

                  Dr. Sudan to come in to guarantee she would take good care of my baby like he was her own and there were No more tears from me. Only the thought of a happy little boy running around causing chaos around the house eating real food. Will his eyes be white? Believe it or not just to see the color and texture of his poops would really make me the happiest mom.

                  I met and Angel that day who actually found me. She was this little woman standing there ready to show me this beautiful soul on her camera phone and she did! It was our Donor Sarah! We can put a face to this amazing thought of a person I had in my head.. I had already come up with many ways I would find who it was and how I could find this person and I say this because the day before I asked would I be able to meet the donor and I was told maybe not it would be up to them and since there was such news around our story she probably didn’t want to meet us. My heart ached but back to meeting my angel I know people thought we were crazy cause we were crying like crazy in the middle of the hall we didn’t care I got to see this person close and personal and she had so much to tell me about our Donor.  Thank you Nicole for finding me! thank you Sarah for becoming” a part” of our lives and will forever be so .Elijah will know both of you very well as he grows and develops into this wonderful young man God has him to be! Elijah, me and my family, Sarah and her family went through this experience for a reason and I feel as the same we have to educate. I have been written asking “ how do I live if I give him my liver”? Valid question? As much as we use google to find or educate ourselves on how to do our lashes, hair, recipes etc… we should be doing the same when it comes to things that can make a difference in someone’s life. I educated myself when I knew my sons condition and I didn’t and wouldn’t stop. I want to ask everyone who reads this to educate themselves on one thing they know nothing about in regards to being a donor, and those in need in your local area and or community. Elijah is doing very well today he will be on medicines for the rest of his life to prevent viral infection and to prevent rejection of his new liver and we do labs so far on a weekly basis. He cries when they draw his blood and I whisper in his ear every time” son the hard part is over YOU GOT THIS”!  I thank you Sarah for answering that email and I thank you for having such loving heart.

#lovelifegiveliver: The Feelings

My liver is fine but my heart is changed

This post is dedicated to Elijah's mother, one of the bravest, strongest women I have ever met.

I've gone round and round trying to figure out how to make sense of all of my feelings and all that I've learned (and am still learning) during this process.  Bear with me and my ramblings.  I think it will be best to sort out these feelings and lessons in list format.

1.  Humbled:  I made the choice to do this.  I already knew that I'd be giving up a sizable chunk of my time.  But, in a moment's notice I had my mom, Tina, and Rebekah OFFER to give up a sizable chunk of their time to help me.  I didn't ask.  They offered.  Tina used precious vacation time and had to arrange childcare for her two kids, my mom left the business she owns, and Rebekah put in countless extra hours on top of what she already does here.  Not only did each of them put their own lives on hold but they also made extra meals and brought gifts on top of it  I know they love me and I know I'd do it for them just the same but that fact that they chose to without even stopping to think how it may affect them is such a selfless act.
Family, friends, friends of friends, and family of friends all sent meals, cards, gifts, gift cards, financial help, encouraging texts, flowers, etc.  People I don't even know sent me gifts.  I have been deeply touched by every single loving gesture.  Special thanks to my sister, my brother, and the Chiari/White clan for not only showering me with all sorts of extra love but for paying special attention to my kids and to Elijah as well.
My church, New River Community Church of God, has faithfully sent dinner every single night since my mom left and will continue to do so until I leave to go to PA for the summer.  Wow.  That's a big deal.  That's six weeks worth of dinners.  Every night.  For 9 people.  That blows me away.  Not only have they sent dinners, but they have sent healthy, delicious, nearly gourmet meals that have been different nearly every night.  I cannot get over their generosity, their love, and their support.  This has allowed me to focus on healing and on loving my children with the energy I have each day.  I'm thankful to be part of such a giving body of Christ.
I am humbled.  More so than I have ever been.  Ever.
2.  Angry:  Going into this I knew God was going to use this to teach me a lesson.  I mentioned that in my blog here.  What I didn't realize was the size or importance of the lesson He was going to teach me.  It brought out the ugly in me.  That makes me angry.  Who wants ugly in them?  I don't.  But I sure had it in there.  You see, I know that God designed me for the life I live.  He knew I would need to be strong, capable, competent, confident, organized, and motivated.  I did my best to thank Him and to acknowledge Him for blessing me with the qualities I would need to be a mother of six and the wife of  a Marine.  However, somewhere along the way I must have become too proud of and/or too reliant on those qualities.  Instead of thanking God daily for giving me the strength and the ability to do those things, I became seeing it as my own strength and ability.  Which it is not.  So, I truthfully believe this surgery was to strip me of my pride in my own abilities.  I can deal with the pain.  I can deal with the scar.
- I can't deal with not being in control of my life.  In the hospital I was at the mercy of Tina by day and of the call bell by night.  I couldn't use the bathroom without help, I couldn't shower without help, I couldn't even see to order from my menu, I couldn't get dressed...I actually needed someone else.  I was never before in that position.  That was a huge pill to swallow.  I'm so thankful it was Tina and then Jordan doing those things...people who understand me and my faults...people who love me no matter how ugly I can be.
- I can't deal with not being in control of my house.  I came home and my house was spotless.  Most items were in their proper place.  The laundry was clean.  The yard was picked up.  The linens were fresh, the pantry was stocked.  The house still stood and none of it was because of me.
- I can't deal with not being in control of my children.  My kids' homework was done.  No one missed soccer or dance.  Chores were still complete and tests were studied for and passed.  My children were loved by my mom and Rebekah.  I know that they missed me and longed for me to be home, but they didn't die and are no worse for the wear.  Rebekah did a tremendous job keeping them in their comfortable regular routine and my mom gave them extra Grammy love and Aunt Nannie showered them with extra goodies.
The ugly truth is that while I truly am grateful for all that my Mom, Tina, Rebekah, and Jordan did for me, the children, and the house during my absence and recovery, I hated to see that life could go on without me.  My own physical life could be taken care of by someone else.  My house and my children still survived without my master plans and spreadsheets.  Sure, things weren't quite the same, the dynamics were off, and the children started to get testy near the end, but life went on and I was left to lay and watch it.  I hated realizing that.  And I hated working through that.  I had some ugly moments while realizing that and I'm thankful for the love I received regardless.  I'm still sorting through the aftermath of this realization.  I'm still sorting through all God wants me to do with what He has shown me.
3.  Amazed:  Knowing that you are having major surgery gives you a new appreciation for life.  Living through it without any physical impairment gives you an even better appreciation.  Seeing pictures of your body cut open and one of your major organs being cut in half gives you a huge appreciation for life.  It really does.
Before I left for the hospital I left the children a note reminding them how much I love them, what I love about them, and how they make me strive to be a better woman, mother, and Christian every single day.  I tell them this often and they know it, but as I wrote the letter I realized that I need to be telling them this every day.  Every single day.  Multiple times a day.  I have taken too many moments for granted.  My children are far too precious to me than to assume they know that I love them.  I am amazed at how well they did with this whole procedure.  While they had a testy period, they have stepped up to the plate and taken on much more responsibility.  They have taken care of me, been understanding of my limitations, and have loved on me so much.
I am amazed at how well God orchestrated every even AND the timing of every event.  From the date of the surgery, to Tina finding Elijah's mother, to Jordan's schedule, to the kids' schedule.  Everything was perfect.  Absolutely perfect.  There is not one thing that I wish would have gone differently.

I have struggled posting this blog for a while.  Still as I review what I wrote, none of the words still seem appropriate to describe the events that took place, the feelings in my heart, and the stirrings in my soul.  To date, this has been the life even that has impacted me the most.  Would I do it again?  In a heartbeat.  Hands down.  Life is precious.  Every life is precious.

   

#lovelifegiveliver: The Facts

#lovelifegiveliver

This post is written in honor (so much honor) of Hannah George and Elijah Tsawo

To say donating part of my liver was an experience is gross understatement.  It was a miracle.  Until this process even started, I had no idea that there was such a need...such a desperate need.  I want to tell my story, from beginning to present, in an effort to raise awareness for the need of living organ donors.  I want to show you that while there were many painful parts of the process, it is doable for the average person.  Highly doable.  In fact, I would do it again if I could.  The good far outweighed the bad by so much I can't even begin to compare it.  This post is intended to provide the facts about the surgery.  What happened and how it happened.  The next blog will explain the feelings of the process.  What I learned going through it.

The previous blog post (here: If Not Us Then Who?) detailed how I came to this place.  The only detail missing was that they called me on Tuesday afternoon to let me know that surgery would be that Friday morning.  As soon as I got the call, I made my calls and everything was set in the matter of hours.  I'm telling you, my support system is amazing (HUGE shout out to my Mom, Tina, and Rebekah).  After scrambling like a nut on Wednesday and Thursday, I left Thursday night after I tucked all my babies into bed and kissed them extra to meet my mom and Tina a hotel near the hospital.  We got zero sleep and left for the hospital at 5:00 am for a report time of 5:30 am.  Thankfully, Tina photo documented much of the journey so I'll let the pictures help tell the story.

*While all of the pictures are appropriate (no unnecessary body parts), some are just plain gross and a few are pretty graphic (viewing of internal organs).  Proceed with caution if you are the queasy sort.

Here is my no make-up, no lotion, no deodorant self with the Captain of Team Tina, Tina.  (I refused to abide by the "no hairspray rule") 

Me, Tina, and Mom a few minutes before they called me back to prep

After the called me back, I left Tina and Mom while the took my vitals and dressed me for surgery.  Tina and Mom were allowed back after the initial IV was in place and I was ready for anesthesia.

Almost ready to go back

I had an AMAZING anesthesia team.  No nausea post-op, just as promised :) 

Time to say So Long and head back to surgery.

Right after Mom and Tina left they pushed some medication through my IV to "calm me down."  Boy, I'd like a home stash of that stuff.  I was high as a kite with not a care in the world.  Upon entering the operating room I remember telling them all about my children.  The last thing I remember is being hoisted onto the hard metal table...I don't even remember landing on it.  They were that good.  I did pull a fast one on them, however.  What they didn't see was that I had a wallet-sized picture of the eight of us tucked in my hand.  When they realized it, they let me hold it all throughout the surgery.  I awoke with it in my hand.  The surgeon snapped some pretty awesome pictures during the surgery.  Two of them are when I am the most opened right after the cut and right after they separated my liver.  This to me is absolutely awesome.  Not only did he take the pictures, he showed them to Tina after the surgery was over and emailed them to me for a souvenir upon request.

Here is my liver and some other assorted guts.  Note the huge gloved hand in my guts under my liver.  Just plain awesome.

This picture was taken after my liver was cut "millimeter by millimeter."  The portion on the left is still inside of me.  The portion on the right is inside Baby Elijah.  Both of our livers have been growing since they minute they were attached back to all the various vessels.  (Side note:  after I saw these pictures, I realized why I felt like someone had beat me up...that is one heck of a hole!)

You can see the picture of my family here in my right hand.  Tina noticed it while I was in recovery. <3  This was a precious gift the surgeons gave to me.  Clearly, they respected the love I have for my family.

As I awakened more (still in a anesthesia-induced drunken stupor), Tina was right there by my side, snapping some pictures to help me remember what is at best, foggy and groggy in my mind.  She was also there to comfort me, reassure me, and advocate for me...and to boss me around when I just didn't feel like doing anything.  

Just starting to realize I'm alive

Cue Drunken-Stupor look now - I was feeling good and so happy to see my Tina.  I became much more ornery once I realized the NG tube and oxygen were shoved in my nose along with six IV's shoved in my arms.

Starting to realize it...

All the nastiness coming out of my stomach via NG tube

Thumbs Up:  Successful surgery, successful pain management

Praise God, the surgery went so well that I didn't even need to go to the ICU.  I was able to move from the recovery room straight to a step-down unit.  I don't remember much about the first 24 hours after surgery other than waking up for short bits of time.  I do remember waking up to a whole host of residents swooping down upon me (or so it felt) to remove my dressings.  I remember being scared and awestruck at the same time.

You can't see them yet, but those residents are starting to nose around my guts...

They found me...fresh meat! (note the picture still in my hand <3)

Swoop!  Here they come!  Thank heavens I still have boatloads of anesthesia in me and can't feel a blasted thing. 

All hands on deck...literally!

After finishing my coffee with that stupid NG tube in, I convinced them to pull it out...
(Note: I still have Brea's dog tucked beside me.  He really was comforting)

So here they are pulling it out.  The sensation was odd and the smell was terrible!

After that ordeal it was time for another nap so Tina went to visit sweet baby Elijah who was courageously working on his recovery...without the added benefit of Starbucks

He's clearly still groggy and in some pain but managed to give Tina a half smile

He even mustered enough strength to move his little hand around

Some baby sweetness

I realized that I absolutely HATE the air compression leg stockings.  They are hot, itchy, and so uncomfortable.  I begged to take those things off so they agreed as long as I would get up and take regular walks.  Here is my first awkward and slow attempt.

IV Pole, check.  O2 just in case, check.  Foley bag (YUCK), check.  Walker, check.

  

Here I go!  Despite the pain, it felt SO good to be out of that bed.

I made it back into a chair for the first time.

The precious gift the pediatric nurses made for me...Elijah's hand print.  It now is proudly displayed on my dresser.

The next morning I woke up, ready to face the day.  There was still PLENTY of anesthesia left in my system (little did we know the actual pain meds prescribed to me wouldn't work) and Tina brought me another Starbucks.  All I needed was make-up and I was ready to face another day.

I also needed (read: wanted desperately) a shower.  Only three things stood in my way:  the epidural, the foley, and the fact I couldn't stand very long or move very well.  In my mind this was an easy fix. Sweet talk the doctors to remove my epidural.  Then, the foley can come out.  Lastly, sweet talk Tina into scouting out a shower chair.

Epidural ready to come out.  The only thing I felt was the tape ripping every single hair off of my back.

And the foley came out.  On its on.  Halfway in the hallway, halfway sitting in this very chair.  Yuck.

Clearly, after that nastiness it was time for a shower.  Tina got me a shower chair and like a good sport (and a best friend) helped me with my first shower.  We weren't brave enough to wash my hair just yet but overall we did a great job and I felt a lot better.  It was also a wonderful feeling to be out of the hospital gown and into some real pajamas.  After this experience I have a different view and greater respect for the patients in the hospital.  Working in health care you have a tendency to become desensitized to helping people with their daily needs without taking a moment to think how they may feel about it.  It's downright odd to have someone help you shower when it's something you've been doing since you've been five or so.  While I've always been gentle and kind with my patients, I will without a doubt see them in a different light.  Here is my incision a after the shower.  It's looking better but hurts like the devil.

With my new cleanliness and loads of anesthesia still in me, I was ready to go see Baby Elijah and his mother for the first time.  He had taken a turn for the worse at this time and needed to be put back on the respirator. 

I truthfully don't have any words to describe this experience.

Again, I have no suitable words for this.

Emotionally and physically I was exhausted after this.  Time to say goodbye for today.

If I recall, I went to bed after this encounter, flooded with all sorts of emotions and thoughts.  Looking back, I still don't have any words precise enough to describe this encounter.

Day 4 I was ready to leave.  I was started to really experience pain as the anesthesia was wearing off and I was being transitioned to new medications that didn't work for me.  I talked the resident into removing my JP drain...warning:  this is a little gross :)

I also wanted to see Elijah again.  This time when we went up he was having an ultrasound done.  I was able to see MY liver in HIS body working in real time.  I could actually see his blood flowing through the arteries and veins.  That was amazing.

The red color is the blood flowing through the arteries, the blue is the blood flowing through the veins.  AMAZING

The next day my liver counts were too high and I was in pain.  They sent me to get an ultrasound of my liver while they decided what to do about my pain.  Thank goodness for Tina.  It was late at night and my team was not in house.  She demanded that someone, anyone, come who had power and authority to give me some medicine.  We both were ornery and on a mission.  After being the squeaky wheel for TWO HOURS, the trauma team was able to offer me a medication that actually worked.  That day my skin started to yellow a bit as did the whites of my eyes. 

You can see that I've "yellowed" just a tad.

The inside corners of my eyes started to yellow as well.

Though I'm still swollen at this point, the incision continued to heal well.

The next day my pain was under control and I was ready for a shower.  A real one.  One where I could wash my hair.  It was glorious.  Again, I felt so much better after that.  Shortly afterwards, another problem started.  The medicine they used to control my pain cause severe constipation and nausea.  Yuck.  We tried to remedy that all sorts of ways (I'll spare you those details).  The only thing that worked was to pull me off all heavy duty medications and start me on ibuprofen.  While the pain control wasn't as effective, it was enough to get by.  I'd rather be in a bit more pain than to be pain free with loads of nausea and relentless constipation.

Nothing feels as good as washing your hair after a few days :)

Tina and I wanted to see Elijah and his mom again.  We decided to take dinner up to them that night and enjoy some time with them.  Unfortunately by the time night came I was really under the weather.  We did make the trek to see that sweet baby and his mom but I wasn't good company.  I had enough energy to love the baby and eat about three bites of my dinner...the dinner poor Tina left the hospital to go get.  I had a craving for Chipotle the day before but by the time night came, it left me.  Tina- I owe you a good Chipotle dinner!

How can you not smile when you see his sweet baby face

#lovelifegiveliver

Elijah's mom and I

Enjoying Elijah

I was hoping to be discharged the next day (the day Jordan was due back home) but that didn't happen because of being ill the previous day.  I stayed in the hospital one more LONG day and was set to leave the next day, provided all my counts were back to where they should be.  I woke up that morning feeling better than I had before.  Being off the heavy duty meds for 24 hours did the trick.  Everything was moving as it should and I had an (odd) appetite back.  Believe it or not, I had milk and cereal for breakfast that morning.  For those of you who know me, I have not had milk since I was about 5 years old.  I can't stand it.  I don't eat cereal either.  Ever.  I attribute it to the lack of Vitamin D from being in a hospital room for 7 days.  Who knows.  Either way, I left that evening with Jordan to return back home.  To my home.  With my husband.  And my kids.  And my dogs.  Any Rebekah.  And it was good (well, except for the bumpy ride home).

I had to show Brea that her beloved dog made it through this ordeal :)

The first milk and cereal breakfast I had in roughly 27 years

Here are some sweet pictures Elijah's mom texted to Tina and I throughout our stay.  He is just precious.

We had a lot of things going on once I got home (end of school activities, recitals, etc) so I am BEYOND grateful that Rebekah stayed to run the house.  She kept my entire home together during my absence and recovery.  I left for this surgery without writing down one instruction or worrying one bit.  I have no idea why the Lord saw our family fit to bless us with her, but He did and I am grateful.  Rebekah, you are so much more than our nanny...you are our family <3

Days here at home are good.  I have good days and nights and some bad ones but overall I am pleased with my recovery.  Below are updated pictures of my healing

My incision is healing nicely and is nearly all the way closed except for the top and corners.

This is the hole where my drain was.  It's closing slowly but surely.  I cannot wait to wear pants again :)

The bruising from a bad IV is healing nicely too...thanks in part to my Boo-Boo Essential Oils

So you see, most anyone can do this.  It's doable.  Yes, it's uncomfortable and sometimes rather painful, but as I said before the good FAR outweighs the bad.  By far.  Every time I get another picture of Elijah for his mother, it makes every single uncomfortable moment worth it.

I cannot close this post without thanking my wonderfully kind, caring, and talented team at Duke.  They were beyond phenomenal and attentive.

Dr. Ravindra:  the surgeon for the abdominal transplant team
This has got to be one of the most gentle, loving doctors I have ever met.

Dr. Berg:  the director and hepatologist for the abdominal transplant team
Dr. Berg is a nationally known hepatologist who is full of information.  He thoroughly explained every question I had with patience and clarity.

Dr. Stonerock:  the transplant pyschologist
A wonderfully sensitive man, Dr. Stonerock was a tremendous support before the surgery and while I was in the hospital

Dr. Greene:  the anesthesiologist
Thanks to this man, I had absolutely NO nausea coming out of surgery.  He also provided comic relief the during the moments leading up to surgery