Sin Scale

This past weekend Jordan and I went "back home" to Happy Valley.  It was under the guise of a Marine Event which he certainly didn't have to go to but nevertheless was a great excuse to return to State College and have our first weekend together since the children came.  It felt so good to see our friends and refill our love tanks.  But, I digress.
We were fortunate to be able to worship with our church in State College that weekend to hear Pastor Dan speak, to hear the worship team rock out, and to reconnect with our church family.  We just love his delivery style and were thrilled to have to opportunity to listen to the Word.  Pastor Dan has a gentle humbleness about him but often times it is that gentleness that smacks me over the head like a 2x4.  I can tell you see where this is going - I was smacked over the head by a 2x4.  Not really, but the message really spoke to me at a time when I clearly needed it most.  Isn't funny how God orchestrates these things?!?
Ever since the legal issues have become messy and unstable I have harbored unhealthy amounts of anger within me.  I'm angry at a host of different people who are part of this process in different degrees but I'm most angry at the children's biological parents and step-parent.  I simply cannot understand how anyone could mistreat their own children.  I've spent so much time and energy being angry at these three people (and the people who are fighting on their side) that it has exhausted me.  I simply cannot understand who could give these fools people a second third chance.
Oh, wait....SMACK!  There is somebody that does.  Bummer.
Darn you, God, for pointing my own finger back at me yet again.  You see, I like to use the good 'ole "Sin Scale" when I compare people...especially when I compare them to myself.  This is very dangerous and is a sin in itself.  ("Do not judge, or you too will be judged.  For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged..."  Matthew 7: 1-2).  But really, their mistreatment of their own children and their own selves certainly can't be as bad as what I've done wrong.  I've never broken the law, I've never harmed another being.  See, I can surely use my own Sin Scale and tell that I'm better than they are.  Friends, I'm telling you this now:  You will get yourselves into big time trouble if you think this way.  Sin is sin is sin is sin.  The people who I absolutely abhor are no worse than I am...I am no better than the people I abhor. ("Everything we do wrong is sin..." 1 John 5: 17).  This is a lot to swallow.  Our legal system doesn't help this way of thinking because they have been punished quite severely for their sins while I sit comfortably in my nice house with my nice clothes and a clean (earthly) record.  It's WAY TOO EASY to fall into this way of thinking.  Trust me, I'm in the midst of it now.
What our sermon was grossly about was that God loves each and every one of us exactly the same - despite are fears, failures, and yes, even successes.  Our God is mighty to save...everyone...including my children's biological parents.  He loves them just as much as He loves me.  He desires to move in their lives and He desires to see them be healed and saved from that which cripples them.  He has a great and mighty plan to save the world...a world that includes them.  This is not easy for me.  I don't want to be okay with it.  I want them to run out of chances in Heaven just like they nearly have here on Earth.  And that is very, very wrong of me.  I should rejoice in the fact that these three people still have hope, lots of hope of being saved by their loving Father, by my loving father.  Why can't I rejoice in this?  Why can't I hope for them like I have for others like them?  It's simple - it's because their actions now directly affect me and my children.  And this, friends, is also very, very wrong.  I am called to love everyone.  Darn you, Jesus.  You have this on nearly every single page in the new testament.  Blast.
- "Bless those who persecute you [and my children]; bless and do not curse."  Romans 12: 14
- "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you [and your children]." Matthew 5:44
- "Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when they stumble, do not let your heart rejoice."  Proverbs 24: 17
      -- This isn't the new testatment but I surely think it applies
- "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink."  Romans 12: 20
- "But to you who are listening I say:  Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you [and your children]."  Luke 6: 27
I know my God is big enough to turn around my way of thinking.  He's done it before and He can surely do it again.  He is committed to helping me through this. I just need to do my part.
I know my God is big enough to save these three people.  I just need to do my part and stop being angry with them and start praying for them.  You could, too, if you feel so inclined.

Thanks again for all the love and support through the blog, facebook, phone calls, emails, and letters.  Jordan and I are still overwhelmed at the outpouring of love from so many people.  We'll continue to keep you all posted.

Time to Fight

We have a court date set for October 17, 2011 for a Review Hearing.  What does this mean, you ask?  Well, it's a not so fancy term for a lot of fancy talk.  Basically, the judge wants to know everything that has happened in the lives of the biological parents and in the lives of the children since the last time she heard the case (which, by the way, was the Termination of Parental Rights hearing on June 16/17).  Before you get your hopes up, this is not an "Ames are better than the X's" hearing - which is rather unfortunate for us (I hate to wag my critical finger, but really, these children have a pretty sweet life).  Instead it is "Can the X's care for these children" type of hearing.  This means, can they meet the needs of the children:  food, shelter, safety.  Thankfully, the judge can take into consideration all the special needs that the children have that we've uncovered over the past few months.  These are issues that aren't major issues, but issues that have been pushed to the wayside because they've been in so many homes (i.e., Brea's lactose intolerance; Brea's developmental delays; Crystal and Brea's eyes; Joseph, Brea, and Amanda's ankles; Amanda's GI issues, etc).  It makes consistency and follow-through virtually impossible when you are in a different home every couple of months.  It also takes a consistent, responsible parent to see that all the appointments and treatments are maintained.
Now comes the hard part:  Praying that God's Will be done.  Let me tell you this - I feel like I am betraying my children when I pray for this, I feel like I'm throwing them to the lions.  There is not a single fiber of my being that wants to pray this.  The only reason I'm doing it is because I know I should.  My heart isn't there yet - but thankfully my head is.  Jordan and I, along with our family and friends, have strived to give these children the life they deserve.  They are safe, they are cherished, they given opportunities, they are loved, and they know it.  I would give up everything - including my life - if one of these children needed it.  I loved these children before they ever set foot in my home...I've loved these children before I even knew who they were.  Now that they are here; however, I can't imagine my life without them.  We know where these children have come from and we know now where they are.  To our human eyes, it's a no-brainer.  Unfortunately we can't see the bigger picture.
Now please don't take the tone of this blog too negatively but it is imperative that we (we being Jordan and I) remain realistic.  I don't sit here and worry about my children being taken away from me.  It is a possibility, though, that I cannot and should not ignore.  Six months ago this wasn't an issue - six months later it is.  Who could have known.  Believe me, though, I am fighting.  I am fighting for the life of my children.  I am on the phone/email nearly every day talking to attorneys and case workers.  I keep careful logs of the children's medical and therapy appointments.  I leave no stone uncovered and no professional uninformed.  Yes, this battle is the Lord's but I sure can do my part.  My dear friend, Kate, once gave me a scripture card with two sides.  The first side has the verse:  "You will not have to fight this battle.  Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you..." 2 Chronicles 20:17.  The other verse is:  "Be strong and courageous, and do the work.  Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you..." 1 Chronicles 28:20 The past year the battle has been the Lords.  He did a fine job of orchestrating this whole process (as is His job!).  But now the time has come for Jordan and I to "do the work."  I am glad he is with us, though, because I sure don't want to do this alone.
Now comes a hard, honest truth.  I don't feel good about all this.  I don't want to say it too loudly because again I feel like I'm betraying my children.  The truth of the matter is I just don't have a good feeling.  Please pray for me.  I'm not sure if the Enemy is trying to knock down my faith and tear up my heart - which he certainly is in the business of doing - or if it's a way to prepare myself should that time come.  Pray that the Good Lord gives me whatever I need.  Maybe it's peace.  Maybe it's time to prepare.  Maybe it's more trust in Him.  Maybe it's some attribute that I have yet to discover I need.  Who knows?  He does.  He knows and He has what I need.  I just need to get ahold of it.
In the meantime, we're continuing to love on these loves.  We have certainly enjoyed the slower paced season of fall and are enjoying all that fall has to offer.

Confession

Now that the three big kids have been in school for a week I've had a little bit of time (amongst the LARGE amount of catching up from a crazy summer) to reflect on my role as the children's mother.

As I look back over the past five (yes, I know, crazy!) months I can recall times where I've handled situations with the children beautifully and times where I've felt that I've failed them.  However, what I do know is that every decision I have made regarding everything about them I have only made out of love.

Before I became a mother I must be honest with you all; I often would judge other mothers on how they handled their children.  That's no big surprise.  You know the drill "I would never let my child to do that," "Can you believe she's ignoring that behavior," "She's being extremely too tough with that child," etc.  Now, though, that I am on the other side of that fence I feel so badly for ever judging other mothers.  There have been quite a few times in the five months that we've had these children where people have questioned my rationale for how Jordan and I choose to handle the children or how we choose to parent them.  We try our best to take advice from other's who are more experienced (through parenthood themselves or through education) but the fact of the matter remains:  I am with these children all day every day.  I know what makes them tick, I know what sets them off, I know what makes them happy, and I know (most of the time) why they do the things that they do. We have a reason for every action and reaction we have.  We've tried different ways many times but we know what works best for our kids.

Don't get me wrong - we appreciate loving advice.  We're thankful for all the support.  But I'm sorry that I've ever judged another mother.  It is true when it's said "No one knows a child like his mother."  Though I've only had them a short while, I've invested much time, energy, and phone conversations with caseworkers and therapists to make sure that these kids are handled in the best way for them.

To all the moms that are out there:  Keep doing what you're doing by loving on your children the way you know best.  Keep looking to the Father for wisdom, patience, and even more love and he'll give it to you.

"I instruct you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths."  Proverbs 4:11  

*Hopefully another update will come soon.  With school starting I should get better at this again!