The Mother I Never Wanted to Be

For those of you who are mothers or who long to be mothers, do you remember envisioning what kind of mother you'd be?  Maybe you thought you'd be fun-loving, maybe you thought you'd be structured, maybe you thought you'd flood your children with music like Mr. Holland, maybe you dreamt of late nights of children snuggling in your bed, maybe you dreamt of homeschooling, maybe you dreamt of a kitchen full of fresh chocolate chip cookies.  Who knows.  What I do know is all mothers have dreams.  Dreams for themselves as mothers and dreams for their children.

When Jordan and I decided to start a family I began dreaming those dreams.  I dreamt of the ideal.  I dreamt of  little ones that we could cart from base to base without difficulty.  I dreamt of little ones that would adjust well to any setting at any time.  I dreamt of little ones who loved to learn their alphabet and who never screamed when I dropped them off at the church nursery.  I dreamt that I'd be the all-star-have-it-all-pottery-barn-ironed-clothes-still-can-work-laid-back-mother.

Then, our plans changed.

It's no secret that my children have needs that are different than most other children.  They have more fear.  They have more insecurities.  They have more unpleasant memories.  They have nervous habits.  They have leaned distrust. They seek approval in in odd/inappropriate ways.  They have significant amounts of grief and loss.  They have more baggage than most adults...most people.

Because of this I have become the mother I never wanted to be for the children of my heart.

I'm a true-blue Type A personality.  I'll always have a game plan and I'll always yearn for routine.  But this was different.  My children thrived on structure and routine.  They came from a life where NOTHING was ever the same...not the house, not the beds, not the adults, not the food, not the rules, not the smells, not the pets, not the schools, not the anything.  They didn't even all live together.  Just so you understand a bit more, my oldest child changed homes 19 times before becoming a part of our family.

Our routine became their security blanket.  For two years we have been following nearly the same routine without fail...down to the minute.  I kid you not, we had to bathe the same body parts in the same order or a child may fall to pieces.  We had to get dressed the same way.  We had to pray in the same order.  We had to sit in the same chairs.  We had to be precise and exact with everything.  For my children change invoked fear.  Change was detrimental. 

I say this all so you can truly understand and appreciate where we are now.  Slowly, ever so slowly, we have been able to ease up a tad over the last few months.  We have been able to make small exceptions and tweak the routine every so slightly.  Oh trust me, we've had our tantrums and breakdowns along the way, but I feel the children are finally learning to actually trust me.  For two years (and I'm sure we're not done) I've had to prove myself to them.  I think they actually now believe that I'm on their side.  I'm on their team.  I'm routing for them.  I am their biggest fan.  I think they are beginning to understand that changes don't have to be bad.  I think they are beginning to understand family.

The mother I never wanted to be is taking a back seat to the mother I am :)

 

"For this child I have prayed; and the LORD has granted the desires of my heart."  - 1 Samuel 1:27

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photos courtesy of Southern Touch Photography
(more to follow later)



Happy 30th Birthday, Dear

Though we can't be together I certainly can't go without wishing Jordan a very Happy 30th Birthday.  There is not another man in this world who loves me as wholly and completely as you do, dear.  I am thankful for all that you are to me, to our children, to our community, and to our country.  We are all blessed because of you and the selfless sacrifices you make.  The children and I love you so much and can't wait to be with you again.  WE LOVE YOU!!
While you're away, dear, take a trip down memory lane :)

 



 

 

A Miracle

I've been sitting on a truly remarkable story for a few weeks now, partially because I knew it wasn't done unfolding and partially because I wasn't quite sure how to do it justice.  Nevertheless, I'm going to try...

A few weeks ago I was contacted by a woman I know.  She is big into adoption and deep into adoption.  She happened to come across a post on an adoption feed.  She contacted me and sent me the feed.  It read this (names have been omitted for privacy and per protocol):


My name is T--- L---. Last year I adopted two brothers by the names of E--- and A--- out of Addis from the T---- orphanage. I was told by my placement agency that their best friends, M---- and N---- were being adopted by a family through Dove agency.  My goal in posting this is to reunite these close friends. If anyone has any information regarding M---- and N----, you can reply to this post or contact me privately at t------@gmail.com.
My sons ask consistently about M----- and N----- and miss them greatly. I would love to have the opportunity to give them the gift of seeing or hearing from them again.  Along with my contact info., can you also tell them that E---- and A----- send their fondest hello's and that they miss them like brothers.

Thanks,
T----

Needless to say, she sent this information to me.  Of course I called this woman  and she just about jumped through the phone when I introduced myself.  She truly is a remarkable, God-fearing woman.  She is a mother of twelve - 10 biological and 2 adopted.  We exchanged stories and pleasantries until we both figured out we were decent human beings :) 
Then she mentioned that she would love the chance for our boys to reunite shortly after they come home with us.  She was unconcerned with the cost or the distance.  But, you'll never guess...
They not only live in our state but they only live about 1.5-2 hours away.  Again, I find it no simply coincidence that four boys who consider themselves brothers in an orphanage half way around the world end up with families who live so close to each other.
Her boys are ecstatic and mine will be as soon as they receive my letter telling them this (along with quite a few pictures of their "brothers").

Hold on, though, this story gets better.

This woman also keeps a blog that I have been reading in bits and pieces.  Here is part of a post from a year and half ago (again, names blanked out...I've also underlined some key components):

As I was typing this post, S---[her husband] called. They went to court today and our boys, E---and A--- are officially OUR boys....they are MY sons! They now have our last name!! Today a new branch has been grafted to our family tree.

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of adoption.

S--- said the first thing they did was go back to the orphanage and tell E---- and A---- that they were officially our sons today and that we would bring them home in a couple of weeks.

Then there was silence. And S--- said, "But there are others, T----."

And he began to tell me of another set of brothers who were just amazing boys... He said he noticed the dejection in the faces of some of the other children when he came back to tell E--- and A--- the good news. His heart has been pricked deeply by the need of these children for a family. But his main concern was for these other brothers aged 11 and 12. No one has even once inquired about them. They have been separated from a sister that was adopted over to Spain. Oh, the need is so great. I want to take them all.

My boys have been on this family's heart for over a year.  We've heard from our friends Erin and JT how wonderful our boys are but to hear it from a complete stranger who never even knew us is absolutely astonishing.

Hold on, though, this story gets better.

T---- called me last week.  Another woman, C---,  has been looking for my boys, too and asked T--- if she could pass on my contact information.  Of course I called this woman.  We both told our stories.  She adopted a girl from the same orphanage nearly three years ago.  Her daughter longs for my boys and misses them dearly.  Apparently, my boys sort of "adopted" her as a little sister and always took special care of her.  C--- spent approximately two weeks at the orphanage and also tells of the sensitive, meek, and mild personalities of my boys.  She, too, fell in love with them.  She is going to send me pictures of her daughter so I can tell our boys (M---- and N----) the good news.  But wouldn't you know, she lives in NJ, just a short distance from my parents.  Both she and her daughter are eagerly awaiting our first trip to PA so they can come and be reunited.

Hold on, though, this story gets better.

Our friends Erin and JT had told us that there is a boy at the orphanage who is about the same age as our boys.  They are the three oldest boys there and they all love each other very much.  He has no one adopting him.  Jordan and I talked about and decided we would adopt him if we could.  We made all the necessary phone calls but quite unfortunately it didn't work out.  We were all pretty bummed.  But God, being the awesome God He is had another plan...

Remember my friend, T---?!?!?  I just was formally notified by her that their family is adopting this third boy!!!  I simply cannot believe that these five boys who love each other so much will be within VERY easy visiting distance from one another.

God's great hand of mercy is all over the orphan and His heart is HUGE for them.  We know that from scripture.  This story confirms that even more.  Friends, this is not a simple chain of coincidences.  I truly don't think that even one of these events is a coincidence.  Put them all together and I'd like to call them a miracle...a miracle that I have the privilege of witnessing first-hand :)